marking time

August 1st. Two monthes since John died. That is how we all mark time now. The pictures I developed the other day was filled with before photos and after photos.
And you can tell.
Before John died we went to this amazing concert that Gary was in with the drummer from Billy Joel's band and a full orchastra. It was a great weekend spent carefree walking around Portland Maine, going to meetings, meeting new people, laughing.

It was a weekend where we were not caring for John, not thinking about lung transplants and definitely not thinking about death.

Then there were photos from the Symphony. The week before John died we had an indescribably "perfect day." I remember posting that on my facebook page: Kelli Backstrom had a perfect day.
Sadie won her soccer game, the weather was beautiful, we found gluten free ice cream and we took the kids to see the Symphony with Hailey.
We laughed, people told me what a great family we have and I knew that.
We are happy. Life is normal. We are all here together.
The next day we played "gotcha last" with John, had a cookout with John and listened to the sounds that had become our normal; coughing, wheezing, gasping.

Then there was after.
The day after John's memorial service we went to Jonah's kindergarten graduation. All the kids had prepared songs and ways to show off their new skills. I would like to say I remember this event but I don't. Somehow I knew to take some pictures and boy do they say it all.

There is a glazed over look and a left over feeling that we are left with and it is here all over Nora's face.
As the time after you have a baby, first you mark it with hours. She is two hours old! Then you mark it with days. Wow, she is big for ten days old! And then you mark it with months. I can't imagine my life without this four month old.
I can't imagine my life without John and yet here it is, my life without John.
There was before and now there is after and somewhere in there is the in between time.
I think we are there now.