Sadie on her way

This morning at 8:50 am I watched as my eight year old boarded her first plane. It has been a long time in the making, this trip to Colorado and New Mexico, one in which I would never have dreamed even a few months ago. My Aunts visited about 8 weeks ago and were talking about the big family get together coming up in November in which my grandfather will be honored for his medical service in Farmington NM where my mom grew up. Sadie heard about it and wanted to go. Sadie talked about nothing but New Mexico for weeks until finally we bought her a ticket to go with my mom and Grampa Johnny. The last four weeks has been such an interesting process to watch and be part of. During some of the last month Sadie behaved just horribly and sulked around the house and/or lashed out at pretty much any member of her family. She actually came to such blows with my mother last week that she stormed out of the house and ran around it 5 times before returning. We talked and talked about what she was going through, she wanted to go, she was scared to fly, she has never been away from Gary and I for more than one night for a sleepover at a friend's house. She spent one solid week in her room where she listened to Harry Potter 3 and 4 and then finally begged me to go out and get 5.............. one week! She locked her door, played with her turtle, drew many pictures which all featured air travel of some sort and put puzzles together, quiet as Myrtle in there thinking muddling it over, working it out.
She crept in to our bed for the last two weeks pretty much nightly, climbing in and placing herself so close to me I thought for sure she was returning to her origins. She asked continuously about airplanes, we looked up different videos of airplanes taking off on YouTube so she could have some sort of perspective in to what it may look like for her.
Last night at Folk Chorale rehearsal she looked to me like someone who had gone through a very deep, very searching journey and emerged out of it more strong and vibrant than ever. She sang loudly and beautifully, more beautifully than she has all session. She played happily and talked about her trip openly and truthfully. She talked the whole way home and the morning and was so grateful and pleased with the purchases that I had made for her at Barnes and Nobles: a new Whimpy kid series book (her favorite) a collection of Calvin and Hobbes and a new set of crayons and a travel journal. She cuddled up with Gary and I right after she brushed her teeth and we all slept together.
This morning she was nervous, but not as nervous as me and not as devastated as my dear husband who spent the entire morning hiding in a tissue box, emerging only to take calls from Sadie. I drove her and her grandparents in to the airport and we hung around until it was time to go through security. I have to admit I was nervous she would not get on. I was kind of planning on having her with me on the way home but she gave me a good solid huge and ran off, not looking back once, and I know because I stood there and waited for a good 10 minutes while she took off her shoes and sent her bag through the check. I waited while the elevator came up and dinged once and then twice and I waved people away. I was waiting to watch her and take her in, so wise in so many ways, so happy.
I feel blessed on so many levels. I feel blessed Sadie does not have to worry about making school work up and can just take off like this in the middle of a school session without assignments and worksheets. She doesn't have a math book with her, she isn't expected to write in her travel journal for my scrutiny and she knows this. She is going to learn so much this week and she is going to experience life and family. She helped Grampa Johnny with his oxygen tank and talked to him about feeling better about having to wear this in public. It was hard for John and Sadie knew this and helped. Sadie is 8 and she has that level of compassion and regard for her grandfather. I feel so blessed that through Sadie's struggles this last month Gary and I knew our daughter well enough to watch in wonder at this whole process, not to judge, not to play interference, not to pathologize, just to watch, love and hold her space sacred. It we had not listened to our instincts and not been as tight as we all are, this month could have taken a much different course and here we are, Sadie has landed in Colorado and is just thrilled to pieces. She talked to Gary and I a bunch of times already and my joy is immeasurable at the person she is becoming.