Now

Salty Wispy Slipping sand falls around our fingers
Orange fire blazes the sky
Causing a bird to see through the sky
To home
To a place he calls home.
Crystal blue eyes look out at it all.
Am I still alive or did I die here one thousand aching years ago?
And do I have to do this again?
And will you be there to meet me?
Sheltering sun smiles on the scene
I am wind
And sometimes when snow touches your nose
I am snow too.

It's quiet at your home. We went there a few weeks ago. It was Easter and we had made you a basket and the kids got out of the car and some of them went to your side while others opted for the warmth of your car which is now not driven by you anymore.
When you died several people put dibs on your car.
I don't want your car, you always hated it when I drove your car. I'm too fast. I'm too careless.
We left a stone that Nora picked out at your home in the dirt. It is pink and heart shaped and says "Handle with Care." I'm not sure she wanted to leave it, but she did.
Everytime we go back, there is less.
The first time we went there were the beautiful yellow and pink and white celebratory flowers all over. But they wilted and now they are dead too in the ground with you.
The kids make it easy to forget about where you live now and yet it is impossible to forget.
Gary cries all the time and when we opened up the beach house I know you were watching me as I was trying not to be too careless with your yard but I can't seem to make it as beautiful as you.
We have another funeral to go to on Saturday and Chris has asked Sadie to sing that song that she sang at your funeral and she doesn't want to and I won't make her and so we will go to softball again.
When we watch Sadie play softball there you are shouting out direction and encouragement.
When we go to your new place in the ground I know you are not there and still you are there. I see you everywhere and then I am mad that you are not here.
I want to be cremated.
I don't want a place in the ground so that no one will come there to the lonely quiet place expecting to see me.

We went to the grief group last night. I signed Sadie and Nora and me and Gary up and me and Nora and Gary went because Sadie wanted to play softball instead. That was ok. Softball is Sadie's way of coping and playing music is Gary's way and my way is driving people around and making appointments for people and cleaning my house.
Nora was nervous and Gary was late and I was confused about where I fit. I talked to some social workers that I knew because technically I still work for Hospice even though I have not worked for Hospice and edged between professional and client and then there was the feeling that maybe I didn't belong there because many of the people had just lost young spouses and had these young children and had shattered lives.
I don't have a shattered life.
I can come home to my home and forget that Back is gone and go about my day. Sometimes I wake up and it is not the first thing I think about. I am back to being frustrated with Gary for various marital things and then I remember and then I feel bad.
Gary came in and he looked broken.
He has this look about him that is looking for someone and that person isn't there but they have always been there and even though this is the natural course of events for a human it seems cruel and abnormal to lose someone that has always been.
Before Gary, there was Back.
Before me and Gary, there was Gary and Dad and Mom.
And now he is gone and Gary is talking to his mom all the time and they have this secret that I can't even touch or understand and I want to help but I keep reverting back to the things.
There are things to be done and things that haven't been done and things that we have and things that we don't have and should have......
shouldn't we?
I remember in graduate school learning about content.
My supervisor would tell me, "Kelli, no matter what you do, don't get lost in the content."
I always get lost in the content.
On an interview I revert back to the toothpaste and the car payments and the chipped paint instead of focusing on the entire experience of the family.
Today I am here and the kids have been playing outside and I am in my house and Gary is driving around looking for someone who is not there and pretending to work and I am here staring at four walls and listening to play that I can't join and that I am not sure if I want to join wondering why my house isn't bigger and why I can't lose 10 pounds and why I can't seem to fit in anywhere.
Back never fit in anywhere and yet he fit in everywhere.
Nora made a mask in her group and when Gary took her out for ice cream she asked Gary if he ever made a happy face when he was not happy inside.
She has the perfect little mask.
Sadie lost her softball game and Jonah cried on the field with my mom because the field was so cold and I drove to Hamilton to have a homeschool mom meeting and I laughed and talked and looked like I fit in and inside I was sad and wanting to go home and be with Gary and then I got home to Gary and didn't know what to say anyway.
Molly is excited to go to college and apply and she is happy that it is sunny out and I am too a lot. Most of the time I have smiles to give and hugs to share but it is not the whole experience and I am thinking that Gary is an anchor for me and he is someone who pulls me out of things and here he is drowning and do I have the stregnth to get him out? That is the real truth that no one really knows. Gary is the strong one and always has been.

That's what love can do

Homeschool Mama

One of the things that I love best about homeschooling is the way that it makes us as parents feel so connected to our children. It is not just really about the way that our children can feel opportunities to be connected to us. It is not just that we let Sadie still sneak in to our bed at night. It is that I love to cuddle with Sadie at night. It is not just that Sadie wants to read a book with me but I actually want to read the book that Sadie is reading and Nora may join and maybe Jonah will put down his truck for a few and come cuddle in.
One of the things that I love about homeschooling is that some of my children's favorite people are attached to some of my favorite people and when we get together we do funny things like dress up like foxes and chase our children dressed as chickens around the yard. Sometimes we get together and sing and sometimes we just get together and do nothing but the nothing is always funner because we are together.
Some days I can imagine my life as a school mom and then I have days like today when I can't imagine my life any other way and I feel like all warm inside like maybe I will cry because I am so happy to be here doing this thing that most other people are not doing with this group of people who are doing this thing with us.
Some other things that I love about homeschooling are the way that my children are so good at being children. They are still questioning me all the time, talking to me about such cool neat things and sharing their knowledge and their questions with me and we get to explore them together and we learn so much! I realize through homeschooling what a dope I really am with all of the things that I did not learn in school and then college and then grad school. I learn so much from them. They taught me this week how to love someone and hate them at the same time. They taught me that maybe it is ok to pray when it is not only a special occasion but maybe just because it is any occasion. They taught me about grief and how it can reer it's nasty head all sorts of places and then they taught me about forgiveness.
I love this time with them and feel so blessed to have discovered this wonder and joy of doing something so different, so beautiful together.
One of the things that my father in law's death has taught me is that life is short and the most important things in life are the people that we love. Spend time with them and life is better.