Going to the beach house used to be a happy carefree event filled with too much food, too much booze and too much sun. This weekend was just too much sadness and a lot of not knowing what to do anyway. Gary's dad is dead and there is no trace of him anywhere and his mom can barely pull herself together to get up in the morning and I know I will be the same way. There is no way I can live without Gary.
We talked in to the late hours last night and we talked about the things we have to look forward to like Gary's mom getting older and sadder and John getting sicker and older and eventually dying and leaving my mom alone.
So depressing.
Nothing really makes it feel better.
I came home without the kids and Gary because I am on call today and I panicked because if I didn't get called out how would I fill my time?
So I cleaned all day and I am tired now, resting.
Life is really hard.
I found out my Aunt has breast cancer, another maternal relative with breast cancer, makes me think about me and my daughters, me and my daughters.
I think about Gary and my friends going through divorces and surgeries and some who have already left us.
I realize that these are the things that test faith and that even if I had all the faith in the world it would still suck.
I guess that is the biggest bummer.
I realize that I believe whole heartedly that those that have left us are somewhere else, happy somewhere but that doesn't make it easier for me. I want them here with me. I want to tell LJ to come back and stay here with us longer, maybe we could have helped more, and then maybe he would be alive.
I want to go back to Friendly's with my father in law and really listen to him ramble on about the democrats and Fox news and hold onto every word knowing that those would be the last words that I would hear from his mouth that didn't have to do with death or sickness or pain.
I want to go back to that night when he died and stay there holding on to his last few breaths and Gary's guitar talking in the background and just pitch a tent and wallow in my own sadness for as long as I damn well please.