Christmas Tree

The Christmas tree was so old and dry that the needles fell to the ground like rain when I slowly took each ornament off one by one.Feeling the part of the Grinch or Scrooge every year it does not get any easier putting this holiday to rest. I start with the feeling, it comes over me suddenly and swiftly. That tree needs to come down and it needs to come down within hours. I can no longer take it any longer. I remember that my mother always told me that she was that type of person that would be friends with you for a long time and she would forgive most ills but when it came down to it, it could just be a small little thing but one day she might just walk away. For the most simple thing. The tree gave me a little shudder as I walked through the door tonight, lost one too many peddles and that was it. The gig was up. I tucked Jonah in tonight even though he prefers his dad at night time and we got to read Rumplestilskin and Jack and the Beanstock and I realize that he tolerates me in these affairs. Like two days ago when we took the kids to the Museum of Science and got tickets to see Big Bird at the Planatarium and we were the only family in a sold out show that was not under the age of five. In fact our children, ages 12, 10 and 7 were quite blatantly older. And still Jonah oohed and ahhed at the show and answered Big Bird back when he shouted out things like "Which star do you think that is Elmo?" and sang Twinkle Twinkle little star. Nora told me a few weeks ago that she knew about Santa and I died a little inside. She made me promise that I would not tell her father who she suspects still believes and I agreed and I meant it.I still haven't told him. I put the tree out on the front lawn and looked up at the sky and watched as tiny white flakes touched my nose and my hair and my daughter looked out at me from her bedroom, so beautiful and bold, 12 and growing more and more in to a little woman everyday. She looked sweet and thoughtful and translucent to me. I could see in to her and around her and I wanted to apologize for all of the things that I have learned this week and this past year and a half. I want her to hold all the hope and dreams that she has now and to keep those flames hot and ready and yet I know how life happens and how painful it can be and will be for her and for all of us. It's the darkest time of the year. 20 6-7 year old children were murdered a few weeks ago and my 10 year old no longer believes in the magic of Christmas and I guess this season I sort of lost that magic too. Some part of it is gone and I wonder out loud in the snow if I will find it again. I wonder if it is buried in the winter air and will somehow blossom again or if it is gone forever. I hope for her and then I come inside and crawl in to bed for a long sleep.