Eulogy

While I was helping Lil and Gary write Back’s obituary I was struck by how much focus he put on his family. Some people feel compelled to accomplish great things and acquire lots of stuff but Back lived his life simply and really his greatest accomplishments were his long loving marriage to his wife and his relationship with his son, grandchildren and extended family. I like to think that this has always been the way that it has been for Back but maybe not. I think about my own situation and how when I first encountered Gary’s loving family I thought I have got to be a part of this and I think maybe it was that way for him too. Anyhow, either way he made it his livelihood to work hard and be generous with his family with both giving of gifts and giving of himself. I realized that raising Gary was his greatest joy and that living to see his grandchildren born was like renewal and playful youth all over again.
In looking at the pictures of Back and Lil in their younger days at Buzzards Bay, it makes sense to me why they are always telling Gary and I to go out and have fun, to appreciate what we have and to enjoy the simple things. They really did all of that and more. It was a joy to look through those photos with my children and I am so glad that they are there. I had an idea that my children would write a wonderful thoughtful letter about Grampa B and I could read it here but children being children need their own space and time to deal with this loss. So I can imagine that they would thank him for his time, and his patience and his endless games of kick the ball in his living room. They would look back fondly on his barbecue hot dogs and corn and his willingness to take them to Perry’s even if it was kind of cold. Sadie would thank him for teaching her cribbage and letting her get away with all sorts of mischief on his watch. Nora would thank him for coloring with her and feeding her watermelon on the beach and reading to her. Jonah would thank him for laughing with him, for letting him live the day that he took a baseball bat to his vase of flowers and for teaching me that boys will be boys and he’ll grow out of it. My daughter Molly loved Grampa B and taught him all the ways of being a grandpa. She will miss him tremendously as will they all.
Gary asked me to read a letter he wrote to his father the day after he died:

Dear Dad,
How could I ever really be ready to say goodbye to you. I was just looking at some pictures of me and you when I was a baby and you were welcoming me into the world. Now I have had the honor of seeing you off to a better place and the sad honor of being there as you passed.
We had a lot of great times, some big fights, some great laughs and some moments of pulling together when mom went in to the hospital. It’s a good thing she got out cause you would have lived on hot dogs and sardines every night. No offense but Mom’s a better cook.
I wanted to thank you for so many things when I came to visit you in the hospital but all I could get out between my blubbery tears was I love you Daddy.
So here it goes: Thank you for carrying me home from the hospital when I was born, thanks for teaching me to ride a bike, for my first sip of Schlitz beer, listening to me try to figure out the Star Spangled Banner on the organ and putting up with loud band practices in the basement. Most importantly thank you for teaching me how to be a good husband and a good father to all of your grandchildren. You were like a dad to my wife Kelli and my kids could never get enough of you. We will miss you on every holiday especially our favorite, Christmas. Who will I call to ask if I set the tree up right, who will I race with to get the lights up first in the yard? Who will I call to see if we are really going to get 20 inches of snow? Who will I call when I miss you on your birthday?
Don’t worry I will take good care of mom. I’ll kill all the squirrels in your yard as long as you promise that when I leave this world, you will come to carry me home from the hospital again. I love you so much, Gary

Obituary

Needham- Harold C. “Back” Backstrom, 78 died peacefully surrounded by family in the loving care of the Beth Israel ICU Boston on Wednesday March 18, 2009. He was the husband of 56 years to Lillian A. (Maida) Backstrom.
Born in Brockton on October 10, 1930, he was the son of the late Harold C. Backstrom and Thelma (Johnson) Backstrom. Harold was raised in both Brockton and Wareham and graduated High School at Wareham High class of 1949. It was in Wareham that Harold met Lillian whose family summered along the shores of Buzzards Bay. Lillian and Harold have been together ever since those days, marrying in 1953 and residing in Needham.
Harold was a very hard worker, at times holding several jobs at once to support his family. He has worked as a meat cutter and for 40 years was a regional sales manager for McCormick Spices. After retirement from McCormick he went back to work part time to keep busy. Throughout his married life he enjoyed summers along the beach on Buzzards Bay, playing cards with friends and was a well known prankster who loved to laugh at himself and at others. He had an infectious zest for living that lasted throughout his entire life and a laugh that could fill a room.
Harold’s greatest accomplishment was the birth of his only child, Gary in 1967. He spent countless hours playing ball with Gary and supporting Gary’s great talent with music. Often while Gary was in high school Harold opened up his home for “jam sessions” and encouraged his son to pursue his passion for music.
In 2000 Harold had major heart surgery but fought hard and lived to see his grandchild, Sadie born that July 4th. Grampa and Sadie had a special relationship and he helped to care for Sadie while both of her parents were working for several years. “Grampa B” lived on to see Eleanor Grace born in 2002 and his only grandson Jonah born in 2005. All of these grandchildren will miss him deeply.
Harold was a member of the Village Club in Needham where he played cribbage every Tues night with his beloved nephew Michael. He was an avid fan of the New England Patriots and Boston Red Sox and was thrilled to see the success of both these teams in the last few years. He loved to work in the yard, grill on his barbecue and to share himself with friends and family. He will be sadly missed.
In addition to his wife Lillian, he is survived by his son Gary J. and his wife Kelli of Gloucester, four loving grandchildren, Molly Notine, Sadie Marie, Eleanor Grace and Jonah Seamus all of Gloucester, his brother Roy Backstrom of Sagamore and his two sisters Carol Greenhatch of Bourne and Linda Sullivan of Attleboro. He was predeceased by two brothers and two sisters, Leon Backstrom, Walter Backstrom, Jean Randall, and Beatrice L” Heareux. He is also survived by many loving nieces and nephews.


Arrangements: Visiting hours will be held on Sunday, March 22 at Doherty Funeral Home , 1305 Highland Avenue in Needham, MA. from 3pm- 7pm. Funeral Mass at St. Jospeh’s Church will be held at 10:00 am on Monday, March 23. Internment at St. Mary’s Cemetary in Needham. Expressions of sympathy may be made in Harold’s memory to Tippett Hospice House, South Street, Needham, MA.

Sadie approached the casket in earnest, briskly undertaking this grief thing. She gazed in at her grandfather, who looked like her grandfather with a little bit missing, still more than he did at the ICU over the last 10 days. She took him in and then headed for the bathroom, punching me in the leg as she passed.
Sadie grieves in a funny and unpredictable way. She peeked out as people, swarms of people came to pay their respects to Gary, to me and to Molly who stood next to me weeping the entire four hours.
Sadie appears once, maybe twice.
The next morning as we waited in our black outfits and our swollen eyes Sadie was the first to speak, "Are we rich? Look at the size of that car!" and she was gone, out the door letting the chauffeur open the door for her, chatting the whole way to the funeral.
At the funeral there was not a dry eye as she and Gary and our friend Chris sang "May the Circle be Unbroken". She held the bread and wine with grace and patted Grampy's casket on the walk out.
She says that he is still here and I must admit I felt him all around us in the Needham house but now we are back here in Gloucester and he is nowhere to be found.
On Saturday after all the commotion and people had returned to their lives I went for a long run. I ran and ran and ran and when I couldn't run anymore I walked around town. I couldn't believe that it was Saturday night and people were still getting on with life. The world goes on no matter who dies. I couldn't find him anywhere on the streets of Needham.
On Sunday my mother in law and Gary and the kids and I just seemed to walk around each other. We decided to get Chinese food for dinner and although the temperature was 50 on her thermometer there was snow falling everywhere all around her yard. Big huge flakes fell magically from his sky. My mother in law hates snow, my father in law loves snow and Gary and he always talked about the snow together. More than anything my father in law loved to piss my mother in law off and there he was doing it again. She grumbled and then burst out in tears. Sadie waltzed by and said, "Yep, there's Grampa." and that was that.
That night Jonah and I cuddled and Nora and Gary cuddled and we all intermittently cried. Jonah kissed me and whispered, "You can keep me forever if you want to."
I wish I could.

The view

The window that looks out of the 6th floor at Beth Israel Hospital overlooks the Citgo sign and Fenway park. The kids and I sat there on Sunday and talked about baseball and I told them the story about the time a couple of years ago when I went to Fenway Park with their grandfather and we cheered and ate hot dogs and grumbled about the price of popcorn at Fenway and when we were walking back with the crowd glowing from our win, Grampa tripped over a curb and I had to help him up and all of the sudden he appeared old to me.
This is how it often went with my father in law in the last few years. One day he would be up and at em and the next he would be tired and weak and we would remember that he was old in years and we should tell him we love him.
I'm so glad that we did often tell him that we loved him. We spent time with him and we knew him really well.
When we were sitting in the window sill one of the buildings looked like Curious George's apartment building, you know the one where he is window washing and then he comes to an apartment that has painters in it and they are taking a break and Curious, because his is so curious decides to go in, even though he was told not to go in, and he paints the whole apartment a jungle scene. We love that one. And there we were in the window looking out over the scene, imagining it in our heads.
Grampa would do something like that. We would tell him to turn this way and he would turn the other way and then blame it on the liberals or The Boston Globe.
Do you know that I almost hate taxes as much as he did now?
In the window there is another woman there and she is older than me and she is having trouble too. We are all having trouble in this place because this is the ICU and trouble comes here.
She doesn't speak much English and she is periodically crying and she sees my son and proceeds to give him candy. She has a lot of candy. I know about the candy thing because on Wednesday last week when I left his bedside I headed straight for Trader Joes and if I could have intravenously injected chocolate into my blood stream I would have. Instead I got a box of peanut clusters and proceeded to eat them all without even noticing what I was eating. And when they were gone I was still crying.
Jonah was happy to be the recipient and fondly took the Hershey's kisses from her and smiled at her and batted his eyes at her until she dished out more. I turned my back for a moment, happy to gaze out at Curious's apartment and when I turned to them again she was kissing Jonah's cheeks and crying and he was letting her and although this probably should have creeped my out it didn't and I hugged her.
Her son is in the ICU in a coma.
Life is hard and these are the hard times.
In the elevator on the ride down Gary cried and some people next to us were laughing and the kids were climbing on parts that they shouldn't have been and we were all there together.
Human beings are so wonderful and caring and life is so sweet.

Yesterday I spent the day by my father in law's side at Beth Israel. He is still out of it from pain meds and suffering with the oxygen tube down his throat. They thought that they may be able to remove the tube yesterday but as time went on it became more clear that they would not be able to do this. His kidneys were failing and his lungs were still having a hard time. My mother in law and I passed the time talking to him, talking to each other, getting a bite to eat and pacing the halls.
Yesterday when I was driving Sadie to her Chess class before I went down to the city she was practicing her Family Folk Chorale solo:
"One by one the seats were emptied
One by one they went away,
Now this family they are parted
Will they meet again someday."
She sang it so soulfully in the car it brought tears to my eyes.
She said she needed to practice it a lot so that Grampa would like it.
She was quiet for a long while
and then she said matter of factly: "He won't be at the concert, will he?"
And what can I say?
When my mother in law tells Gary things like, "things are looking better, tubes are coming out, his kidneys are progressing........" and I know these things to be wrong, nothing more than her brain playing tricks on her to help her cope, what do I say to Gary?
I told Sadie she was right, he probably wouldn't be there for her concert.
I told her she should still practice because she will be there are I will be there and Grammy will be there and God will be there.
She told me that she prays all the time for Grampy and I know she does.

Unfair

Sometimes when the children were babies I would anxiously watch them in their quiet slumber. I would meditate on the up and down that happens in those hours making sure that each breath was a fruitful effort and all was well in their sleeping baby minds. It never ceases to amaze me how our bodies know what to do. We are born and there we are, out of the womb, crying and breathing, sucking and reaching, clinging to life and to each other. In youth I am witness to the miracle of life and of growth. In old age I am witness to the slowing and breaking down of all that once was.
Three weeks ago, Grampy was at Sadie's basketball game. He was intent on watching the game, checking the score and making sure Sadie knew what position she was playing. We went out to Friendly's and ate food and talked about sports and the weather and politics whatever else to pass the time.
Today he is in the ICU at Beth Isreal hospital and he is clinging to life. He has a tube down his throat to keep himself breathing while they try and get rid of his infection and get his heart rate down and try and just get him stable enough to undergo treatment for colon cancer. I feel like I am in a dream.
Gary and I sat with him for several hours today. We talked a little to him but he became so agitated that we had to stop and finally they gave him sedation. He can't talk to us because of that tube and there is still so much I want him to tell me. How can it be possible that one moment you are with someone not even aware of the moment and then it can be gone, just a fleeting memory?
So we sat. I watched as he breathed in and out. I cheered inside for all those breaths and prayed and meditated for the ones that followed. Could this be the last time I see him?
Because I don't really want it to be.
I really don't.
I also don't want to tell my children their Grandfather died.
My father in law kept telling me that this was not fair and I see his point.
But on the other hand, it is what it is, old age, poor health, expected outcomes.
Then I think about the other Grandfather, the one I spent last night with telling old stories about the West Gloucester neighborhood and "Bunsy" down on the wharf. I listened to him tell me about how his mother died when he was 11 on that very day. I thought that was sad, he thought that was life.
He never tells me it is unfair that he has a life threatening illness, that he can no longer chase the kids.
I think it is unfair.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and about it, I am so mad.
Sometimes when I come in from an overnight shift in the middle of the night I look up at his window and see him standing there looking out in to the darkness, in to the trees that sheltered him as a child. I tell those trees to keep John here for just one more day.
And then I secretly wish that those days spread out before us like a mighty forest, lush and green, growing and thriving, breathing life in to all of us, this family.

master cleanse

My father in law is very ill in a nursing home now with Colon Cancer, emphysema, chronic heart disease and overall malaise and depression. The PT people came in to give him rehab over the weekend and he was resistant. He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to get out of bed really. We went in on Sunday and brought the whole group and took turns going in and out and walking around talking with the elderly people there in the nursing home. Most of the people that we ran in to were suffering from all sorts of stages of dementia and Alzheimers and they were just happy to see us and well, happy to be eating and alive I am sure. Ignorance is bliss. My father in law knows where he is. He understands what this could mean for him. He has never lived anywhere but his own home and now he is here.
Watching my father in law has sparked this new fervor in me regarding my own health and the health of my husband and children. I recognize that these things run in families and I want to grow old with my husband and not be a huge bummer for my kids to have to take care of and to worry about all the time. Also I worry incessantly about Gary's weight. I gave up drinking alcohol about three months ago and so I decided to really seal the deal by doing the Master Cleanse (http://therawfoodsite.com/mastercleanse.htm) It's pretty extreme and most of the people in my life think I am crazy for doing it but some of my good friends that are in to food and nutrition have been exceptionally supportive and helpful in my adventure to be healthy and energized. Also I was secretly hoping that Gary would see how good it was for me and join. So the first five days were pretty much miserable, I was exhausted and crabby and weak and at one point spent the morning in the bathroom throwing up. What I can say is that I held on to the notion that this was my body's way of ridding itself of the toxins that had come to live in my body and that this was going to all be ok.
It was ok.
Our bodies are such amazing vehicles really. I can't believe that my body was able to run on a lemonade concoction for 10 days but it did and in a lot of ways it ran much better.
What I can say now that I have hit day 10 is that I have come to realize a lot about myself through this process. First of all I have been drinking coffee for 25 years at least with no breaks. I loved coffee, looked forward to it in the morning, associated it with all things good such as long discussions with friends and early morning walks. Coffee was actually not helping me in any way whatsoever. It was making me tired and nutty and anxious and a little crazy. So I am relieved to be rid of it. For the last 6 days I have been feeling really peaceful internally and pensive. I have a lot more time on my hands with out the continuous what am I going to eat next thing going on and I feel empty and full at the same time.
Throughout the next week I will begin to come off of this fast, starting with fresh juice tomorrow and then a veggie soup for a few days following. I am excited to start to plan healthier meals without sugar and to move forward in health.
I realize watching Grampa John and Grampa B and their illnesses how precious life and health are, how quickly these gifts can be taken from us. I also realized how important it is to teach my children about health, farming, agriculture and self sufficiency. For a long time I have bawked this in the name of unschooling. I can no longer do that. Both of these grampies learned to eat and to treat their bodies the ways that they did from their first source, their first homes.
Gary finally did join the fun and he is on day 3. Poor Gary just loves food so much and with all that he is going through it is hard for him to not jump in to food for consolation. He is trudging through though. It is hard to not feel the need after a visit with his dad. I am hopeful that our new eating habits will stick with him and help him to be even more amazing than he already is.