We went to the grief group last night. I signed Sadie and Nora and me and Gary up and me and Nora and Gary went because Sadie wanted to play softball instead. That was ok. Softball is Sadie's way of coping and playing music is Gary's way and my way is driving people around and making appointments for people and cleaning my house.
Nora was nervous and Gary was late and I was confused about where I fit. I talked to some social workers that I knew because technically I still work for Hospice even though I have not worked for Hospice and edged between professional and client and then there was the feeling that maybe I didn't belong there because many of the people had just lost young spouses and had these young children and had shattered lives.
I don't have a shattered life.
I can come home to my home and forget that Back is gone and go about my day. Sometimes I wake up and it is not the first thing I think about. I am back to being frustrated with Gary for various marital things and then I remember and then I feel bad.
Gary came in and he looked broken.
He has this look about him that is looking for someone and that person isn't there but they have always been there and even though this is the natural course of events for a human it seems cruel and abnormal to lose someone that has always been.
Before Gary, there was Back.
Before me and Gary, there was Gary and Dad and Mom.
And now he is gone and Gary is talking to his mom all the time and they have this secret that I can't even touch or understand and I want to help but I keep reverting back to the things.
There are things to be done and things that haven't been done and things that we have and things that we don't have and should have......
shouldn't we?
I remember in graduate school learning about content.
My supervisor would tell me, "Kelli, no matter what you do, don't get lost in the content."
I always get lost in the content.
On an interview I revert back to the toothpaste and the car payments and the chipped paint instead of focusing on the entire experience of the family.
Today I am here and the kids have been playing outside and I am in my house and Gary is driving around looking for someone who is not there and pretending to work and I am here staring at four walls and listening to play that I can't join and that I am not sure if I want to join wondering why my house isn't bigger and why I can't lose 10 pounds and why I can't seem to fit in anywhere.
Back never fit in anywhere and yet he fit in everywhere.
Nora made a mask in her group and when Gary took her out for ice cream she asked Gary if he ever made a happy face when he was not happy inside.
She has the perfect little mask.
Sadie lost her softball game and Jonah cried on the field with my mom because the field was so cold and I drove to Hamilton to have a homeschool mom meeting and I laughed and talked and looked like I fit in and inside I was sad and wanting to go home and be with Gary and then I got home to Gary and didn't know what to say anyway.
Molly is excited to go to college and apply and she is happy that it is sunny out and I am too a lot. Most of the time I have smiles to give and hugs to share but it is not the whole experience and I am thinking that Gary is an anchor for me and he is someone who pulls me out of things and here he is drowning and do I have the stregnth to get him out? That is the real truth that no one really knows. Gary is the strong one and always has been.