Jonah at age 4

Jonah will turn 4 on July 5th. To me these last four years have been a whirlwind of change, moving, and growing. Out of all of my children Jonah has blessed me with the most plentiful of moments to explore my own experience of parental anger and displeasure. I have had moments with Jonah that I thought only existed for "those parents". And yet, there they were for he and I to explore and learn together. We are closer as a result. I am grateful.
On the dawn of his fourth birthday I have many thoughts in my mind about him and about the thought that my baby days are over. I watch as other friends of ours begin their families and I wonder at that timeless moment and those sleepless elated days where it feels like there could never exist anyone else in the world aside from you and this new being and the man that helped you create this baby.
And then you blink
and it is gone
just like that, things to do, bills to pay and other children to attend to and then you notice that his baby fat is somehow changing and subsiding and that he will no longer let you call him baby anymore anyhow.
He still yearns for me though, needs me in a visceral kind of way, in a way that only he can. That's ok, I'll take it.
Last night we took the kids down to St. Peter's Fiesta which the first year that we lived here made me think that I should always live here and made it impossible to imagine life without the culture of Gloucester. Every year since it has made me wonder what the hell I am doing here and where I belong in this crowd I cannot place and do not know.
Last night we got tickets for Nora, Sadie and Molly to go on rides but it turned out that Nora was absolutely terrified of rides and that Jonah loved them so off he went on the "Crazy Bus" with his big sister without me.
I held back, close to Gary, looking around at the display, watching people walk around in circles in St. Peter's Square, not knowing this culture that I had chosen to live in.
Jonah got a new set of drums for his birthday and has been playing them for days in a row without avail and he actually makes a really good rhythm with the drums, he has a thing for it. He and Gary go off together and speak that language and I can't believe how lucky I am. I can't believe how blessed I am to have this all, the husband and these children and my life.
Now if I could just freeze Jonah at four...............
I sneak in to his room at night just to get a smell of his head.
It terrifies me that that smell may dissipate over time.