This is our second weekend of festivals. This weekend Gary will be on a stool.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Codman Farm on Thursdays
On Thursdays Sadie and Nora work on a beautiful farm in Lincoln. They are having so much fun on Thursdays!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Cancer
Cancer.
It's an ugly word.
My friend Jane says I shouldn't think of it that way. She says that we all have cells in our body at any given time that are cancerous. I wish I had that kind of faith in my body. I envy those that can always see their body as powerful.
Instead I see the body as powerless.
Not all the time.
Today we went in for Gary's surgery. It was an outpatient procedure and we were told recovery would be minimum and he would be back in the saddle, no pun, in a few days.
I wanted to be in the surgery. I wanted to see all the things I don't know.
Can you see Cancer?
Can you feel Cancer?
What is Cancer?
I want to know.
I want the doctor to tell me definitively that this will work and to stop talking to us about his U2 tickets.
I want him to wipe that rock and roll smirk off of his face and tell me things that are important and of meaning.
Instead I listen.
and things go in and out of my brain
and I agree.
Sure, whatever you think is best.
I waited for him and then helped him to get dressed and I am making him a lentil soup and I am watching the Simpsons with him and I cleaned my house because that is what I can do.
The kids are at Folk Chorale rehearsal and the phone is ringing and life is moving on all around me.
John came in and he has a cough and his body is turning on him too.
Our bodies,
This can't be all there is, these shells that house so much more.
I walked by a homeless man in Cambridge last night and I watched him, his body and his spirit and I was instantly aware
and then just like that it was gone.
I wish I knew why.
It's an ugly word.
My friend Jane says I shouldn't think of it that way. She says that we all have cells in our body at any given time that are cancerous. I wish I had that kind of faith in my body. I envy those that can always see their body as powerful.
Instead I see the body as powerless.
Not all the time.
Today we went in for Gary's surgery. It was an outpatient procedure and we were told recovery would be minimum and he would be back in the saddle, no pun, in a few days.
I wanted to be in the surgery. I wanted to see all the things I don't know.
Can you see Cancer?
Can you feel Cancer?
What is Cancer?
I want to know.
I want the doctor to tell me definitively that this will work and to stop talking to us about his U2 tickets.
I want him to wipe that rock and roll smirk off of his face and tell me things that are important and of meaning.
Instead I listen.
and things go in and out of my brain
and I agree.
Sure, whatever you think is best.
I waited for him and then helped him to get dressed and I am making him a lentil soup and I am watching the Simpsons with him and I cleaned my house because that is what I can do.
The kids are at Folk Chorale rehearsal and the phone is ringing and life is moving on all around me.
John came in and he has a cough and his body is turning on him too.
Our bodies,
This can't be all there is, these shells that house so much more.
I walked by a homeless man in Cambridge last night and I watched him, his body and his spirit and I was instantly aware
and then just like that it was gone.
I wish I knew why.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Home
Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb, born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground, head in the sky
It's okay, I know nothing's wrong, nothing
Hey, I got plenty of time
Hey, you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
Out of the passing of time
Never for money, always for love
Cover up and say goodnight, say goodnight
Home is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home, she lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be, where I'll be
Hey, we drift in and out
Hey, sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you'll love me 'til my heart stops
Love me 'til I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head
David Byrne
When I met Gary I literally fell in to the space and home of what is him. I had never felt so at home. I knew where his key was and I let myself in and the couch was small but it fit all of my body on it. I read all of his books and listened to all of his CDs and looked at all of his pictures and waited for him. We were friends for a long time and we still are very good friends. But mostly it was that once he got home I could curl my entire body up in to him and lay there for a very long time. Sometimes there were things to talk about and sometimes there was nothing and either way it was perfect.
Going through the challenges of the last few months I have come to know what it is that marriage is really all about and it is as beautiful as the forest in the fall and as bittersweet as goodbye and hello all mixed together. People are always splitting up and moving on and I feel so much sadness for them and although I have had my moments of wondering about all the different lives I could have had with different choices I may have made I could not imagine having those lives without this man with me. He comes with me everywhere. He is there when I am in a really bad mood and am a total bitch to be around and he holds me when I cry and laughs at my jokes and believes that I can do pretty much anything. He is the one who taught me how to love my children unconditionally because he loves me this way.
There is no one I would rather spend the day with and no one who knows me like him and when he has sickness and when he is in pain I will pray that it ends and I will watch him sleep.
There is nothing I wish more for my children than to have the kind of love that I have with Gary.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Hitting a Tree
I'm reading over some posts on Facebook and it is all Labor Day mayhem, bbqueing and drinking and sunning and I think about doing that and then I can't think about doing that but I remember what that feels like just going on, laughing and living.
Bumps in the road come along and you have to diverge in your driving or maybe you hit it head on and then you curse out yourself or the driver next to you. A few miles down the road it is over and then you are on to the next thing, the hair appt, the car payment, the rainy forecast, the things you don't have, the things you do have, your hopes and your dreams.
And then you hit a tree
and you can't move
You know you are alive
and you hear other people driving by
Some sound out alarms
and others don't even look.
On Friday we went in for a fairly routine visit to check on a lump Gary had discovered over the week. We laughed on the way in.
I told Nora who was screaming out of our living room window that no, in fact we did not have chocolate chips but we did have raisins and Gary told me that was the saddest thing you could tell a child.
Jonah came with us and Jonah and I watched Sesame Street and they were talking about the letter Q and drums, two of Jonah's favorite things.
Gary came out
we drove home
for a long Labor Day weekend.
Two hours later his doctor called, an hour later we were in a urologist's office and all of my children had been shipped off to Patricia's house.
She kept them for the next 24 hours.
I cried in the bathroom.
The type of cancer he has is treatable, they think. It is a "good type of cancer to get, if you are to get cancer."
But I can't help think about how quiet my house would be without Gary.
My friend Gwendolyn called me this morning to talk and she told me she had thought about me and Gary a lot lately, about what a great love we had for each other and I know she is right and so I told her and then I cried.
Bumps in the road come along and you have to diverge in your driving or maybe you hit it head on and then you curse out yourself or the driver next to you. A few miles down the road it is over and then you are on to the next thing, the hair appt, the car payment, the rainy forecast, the things you don't have, the things you do have, your hopes and your dreams.
And then you hit a tree
and you can't move
You know you are alive
and you hear other people driving by
Some sound out alarms
and others don't even look.
On Friday we went in for a fairly routine visit to check on a lump Gary had discovered over the week. We laughed on the way in.
I told Nora who was screaming out of our living room window that no, in fact we did not have chocolate chips but we did have raisins and Gary told me that was the saddest thing you could tell a child.
Jonah came with us and Jonah and I watched Sesame Street and they were talking about the letter Q and drums, two of Jonah's favorite things.
Gary came out
we drove home
for a long Labor Day weekend.
Two hours later his doctor called, an hour later we were in a urologist's office and all of my children had been shipped off to Patricia's house.
She kept them for the next 24 hours.
I cried in the bathroom.
The type of cancer he has is treatable, they think. It is a "good type of cancer to get, if you are to get cancer."
But I can't help think about how quiet my house would be without Gary.
My friend Gwendolyn called me this morning to talk and she told me she had thought about me and Gary a lot lately, about what a great love we had for each other and I know she is right and so I told her and then I cried.
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