Cancer.
It's an ugly word.
My friend Jane says I shouldn't think of it that way. She says that we all have cells in our body at any given time that are cancerous. I wish I had that kind of faith in my body. I envy those that can always see their body as powerful.
Instead I see the body as powerless.
Not all the time.
Today we went in for Gary's surgery. It was an outpatient procedure and we were told recovery would be minimum and he would be back in the saddle, no pun, in a few days.
I wanted to be in the surgery. I wanted to see all the things I don't know.
Can you see Cancer?
Can you feel Cancer?
What is Cancer?
I want to know.
I want the doctor to tell me definitively that this will work and to stop talking to us about his U2 tickets.
I want him to wipe that rock and roll smirk off of his face and tell me things that are important and of meaning.
Instead I listen.
and things go in and out of my brain
and I agree.
Sure, whatever you think is best.
I waited for him and then helped him to get dressed and I am making him a lentil soup and I am watching the Simpsons with him and I cleaned my house because that is what I can do.
The kids are at Folk Chorale rehearsal and the phone is ringing and life is moving on all around me.
John came in and he has a cough and his body is turning on him too.
Our bodies,
This can't be all there is, these shells that house so much more.
I walked by a homeless man in Cambridge last night and I watched him, his body and his spirit and I was instantly aware
and then just like that it was gone.
I wish I knew why.
2 comments:
Hi Kelli. Glad the surgery's over and that Gary is home and safe with you.
Surgeons are their own breed of bizarre, but my theory is that the more emotionally detached they are, the more precisely they can focus on fixing our parts. Sounds like you got a good one :)
Kelli, I was stunned when I read this. In a moment I was back in that oncologist's office, sitting next to Tony, listening to our options. Three rounds of chemo at the Oncology Alliance, then 30radiation treatments at the hospital, and surgery is ruled out due to the size and shape of the tumor. If there is metastasis to the brain, the whole plan changes. What?? Last week we were planning a trip to Las Vegas, now we're planning out a transportation and medidcation schedule.
I'm sorry. I love you, and if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. You can call me any time.
Rose
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