The maze

Time alone is an interesting and different phenomenon in my life. As a child who spent days alone, it was my biggest fear for adulthood. The perfect solution, of course was to fill my house with a flock of the most wonderful kindhearted little people I could create and its been busy work ever since. Work I am so grateful for.
I have a new apartment that I am sharing with a friend and we both work so when I am here and not at home with the kids there are many moments like this where I am sitting in this peaceful feng shuied simple little place with the cutest little furniture and some artwork that I splurged on this week having all this quiet swim around me and in me and through me. And the most surprisiest of things is that I am not afraid of this silence at all.
I fnished my work week and the kids are still down at the Cape with Gary. I miss them like an organ or a part of my soul that is sleeping.
I talked to them last night and laughed and smiled for 45 minutes listening to all of their adventures and the traditions that we had created as a family. They went to the Canal after the beach, they went to Perry's for ice cream, they went to the 99 Restaurant, they watched  a movie. Sounds so great. I'm so glad for them. And yet, I don't miss these things at all. These were not my childhood traditions. I had borrowed them for years, thinking I could make them all my own and then realizing so quickly and suddenly that these were not things that I really enjoyed doing at all.
Next week, I get to take my little chicks to the middle of the white mountains, 4 hours away, by a lake in a cabin. No internet, no regular television. Just me, the kids, a full kitchen, a DVD player, and the mountains, rivers, lakes, waterfalls, birds, bears and deer that I can take in for six days. That is my idea of a vacation. That is a tradition seeped in my soul from years of walking through the woods or finding my place next to a tree as a child.
Yesterday I had some down town and went to a yoga class down the road and laughed through it with a dear friend of mine who happened to be there too. I went to my new local grocery store and bought spices and created this exotic halibut and lentil dish and as it turns out after all of my life of being terrified of food and worrying about my body and my weight, I am in love with the things that I can create from food. And I am really good at it. I made dinner for Jeremiah who ate it like a starving child and then chased him through Beverly listening to him talk and talk about his life, me twelve years his junior, huffing and puffing along side him.
And then more quiet.
A book, my iphone playing Ella Fitzgerald and the night air.

I have no idea what comes next. After all my my plotting and planning and mapping out my life, it's a maze right now. I think I'm up for the challenge.