The hulk in me

Sadie sits on the outside looking in. Nora runs to embrace the next moment while Jonah stays close to me. And Molly, self assured poised for her next moment, eternally hopeful for her next move. I'm looking in a fish bowl and watching the world go around, swimming in a sea of ins and outs where some days it feels like I connect and am in my habitat and others I am a visitor. Today I was a visitor and I was not like Nora who ran in to the playground, picked her next friend and started her game.
Today my game should be meaningful. All my moments are meaningful and what does that make the moments that are mundane and more of the same. I have no patience for it. Gary and I met and fell in love under the auspices that we would take over the world. There were people who were petty and did not understand, we called them "taco bell" people. They just talk and talk but nothing actually comes out of their mouths.
I have worked hard to develop patience in this and to foster love and compassion in my children. The mothers in Molly and Sadie's dance classes years ago were these people. They talked about Target like it was some sort of extension to heaven, to Buddha himself, as if you could find happiness in the dollar aisle at the market.
I knitted and by the end of the year the mothers didn't talk to me at all.
Sometimes that is a bummer. I feel like why can't I be more like that? Why can't I fit in with ease? Why is it that I relate to the homeless guy I chat with on Mondays in front of the library better than I do my own friends?
I love that homeless guy. He is slightly smelly and he is sometimes cold and I give him a bite of my muffin and hang on his every word. He understands something that I am trying to get. We only get here one time and I want to get it this time around.
Sadie goes in to a party like a lost deer, starry eyed and confused, finding an activity or some sort of tree to climb.
I look for Gary.
We went to see the movie Up on Monday and it was the love story that my inlaws lived and Sadie told me she would never get married. I agreed, getting married is a big risk to run. You will get hurt eventually. Someday one of you will be lonely for the other. You should plan. You should create networks of friends for yourself so that when you are left alone you will be ok. That is what my mother in law should have done.
But she didn't want to. She fit in with him and I fit in with Gary.
It's really the only place I do fit in.
Sometimes I fit in with the homeschoolers.
Sometimes I fit in with the social workers.
But most times I don't.
David Banner didn't fit in. He had to keep on moving every time he turned green and had an "episode". Too bad he didn't have a partner in crime. A little green lady would have been perfect for him. At least then he would have been able to laugh about all those episodes later and someone would tell him that they are all just "taco bell" people and they could be green forever together.
Sometimes I feel like if I just stopped trying to fit in so much maybe I would embrace my not fit in ness and relish the person I am.

The Incredible Hulk

I have to admit, it was one of my favorite shows as a kid. The Love Boat, Happy Days, The Electric Company and of course The Incredible Hulk. Lately they have been showing old 1970s Hulk episodes on one of our TV channels although I am not sure which one. We have all become hooked. Today when we were driving home from this Optics camp that we spent the last two days participating in Sadie started talking to me about the different kids that she had met and how she went about meeting them and working through some of their many differences. We talked about how important it is in life to learn to work with other people that you like or that you don't like or that you meet in the line at the grocery store or that pull you over for speeding in your car. She tried explaining the rules of four square to me, a child hood game that has always eluded me and I am sorry to say still does. She told me the basic rules to this game that she plays all the time during FFC rehearsal with all of the FFC kids who have become like family to her. In the end she said, "We do a little playing.......... but most of the time we just work through the rules and argue over different aspects of the game until we all agree and continue to play." To some this may seem like a waste of time. In gym class this would have been wasted time. Kids get 45 minutes a week or day if lucky to play gym games and they need to move and have constant fixed rules. At the FFC the kids rule and it is true, although I would not have believed it many years ago, that the kids find rules that are for the most part equitable, respectful and that work for that group at that time. This of course prompted a long discussion about rules and flexibility. More important than workbooks, more important than tests.

I found out today that there is a lot to be learned from that beloved Hulk and we talked about it during and after the show as Jonah stripped naked and practiced his Incredible Hulk moves with Grampa John. The Hulk is in a particular dilemma. Why doesnt he just go get help? What if people found him and tried to cage him up like a wild animal? Would he escape? Would he die? How should we treat people and who can we call on in times of need? Where was his family?

Where was his family anyway?? I think about this a lot, family. You would have thought that somewhere there was a Mrs. Banner missing her large green son. Lord knows I would miss mine, green crazy hair ripped up pants.

Nora told me the other day out of nowhere that she had noticed that there were a lot of mothers who didn't like having their children around them. I have noticed that too lately and it makes me sad. At the doctors today the four of us were sitting there reading a book when a very impatient woman came in scolding her child about homework and just treating him horribly, rolling her eyes at the other mothers and I felt like there was something that they all understood that I didn't.

One thing I have noticed lately is that my son, the Backstrom Hulk, has grown a lot. My baby will be four and all of the sudden I am starting to want to peice together time. I tried to pick him up today and he didn't want me to. He is running through the house in a cape flying past Nora and yelling "Rawrrrrrrrrrrr" all chubby legs and fingers and I want to hold this time in my mind forever, this sweet, surreal magic time of childhood fairies and mysteries and wonder.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Monday we traveled down to Arlington to practice for our Family Folk Chorale Concert coming up at Faneuil Hall on July 3rd. I am pretty close with the other families who sing with the FFC and most of these families homeschool and so as usual when together with other homeschooling families in June there is much discussion about end of the year reports and plans for Sept. I have been talking with two of my favorite moms about getting together more often next year because our children like spending time together so much and because it would feel nice to be together and feel supportive to me. I need this type of thing.
So as is my way, in mid discussion I start feeling really overwhelmed. Am I not teaching my children enough, are they learning enough, will Nora ever read, will Sadie learn math skills that can get her ahead in life, will Jonah stop beating us up with sticks, am I doing the right thing, do I have enough money to homeschool, and on and on.
Am I ok?
Am I doing the best for my children?
I get lost in the content of the questions, of the concerns and so I have to bring it back to the moment, to the center and the core of what it is that we are doing here in this house. I need to reconnect with our initial vision.
My children happy.
Children learn everyday on their own naturally.
My children believing in themselves.
My children getting dirty and feeling freedom.
My marriage solid, foundation firm.
Loving respectful unions.
Trusting relationships.

We rehearsed and singing is so grounding for me, so back to the basics important for me now. On the ride home, we drove Sophie home. Sophie is a close friend of all of my children's. She lives down the road from us and spends a lot of time with us. In a nutshell we love her.
Sophie is going to school next year and we are all grappling with the changes that will follow this decision. When I have her now I wonder what Sadie thinks and if Sadie wonders about what school will be like for Sophie. I know I do.
We got moving on to our 45 minute drive and just like that one of the girls started singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" and within seconds we were all singing it. Gary harmonized and the kids took turns singing in big and fanciful funny voices and laughing as Gary lost count over and over again.
When we hit 55 we had to stop, Sophie was hoarse and we were getting tired.
Life is so much more than one part of a whole. My children are getting to live a full life rather than being put in to a catagory or a segment of community. Reaching out in the world farther and farther and then coming home to touch base unconditionally, fervently continously, joyfully.

Jonah's many looks

Going to the beach house used to be a happy carefree event filled with too much food, too much booze and too much sun. This weekend was just too much sadness and a lot of not knowing what to do anyway. Gary's dad is dead and there is no trace of him anywhere and his mom can barely pull herself together to get up in the morning and I know I will be the same way. There is no way I can live without Gary.
We talked in to the late hours last night and we talked about the things we have to look forward to like Gary's mom getting older and sadder and John getting sicker and older and eventually dying and leaving my mom alone.
So depressing.
Nothing really makes it feel better.
I came home without the kids and Gary because I am on call today and I panicked because if I didn't get called out how would I fill my time?
So I cleaned all day and I am tired now, resting.
Life is really hard.
I found out my Aunt has breast cancer, another maternal relative with breast cancer, makes me think about me and my daughters, me and my daughters.
I think about Gary and my friends going through divorces and surgeries and some who have already left us.
I realize that these are the things that test faith and that even if I had all the faith in the world it would still suck.
I guess that is the biggest bummer.
I realize that I believe whole heartedly that those that have left us are somewhere else, happy somewhere but that doesn't make it easier for me. I want them here with me. I want to tell LJ to come back and stay here with us longer, maybe we could have helped more, and then maybe he would be alive.
I want to go back to Friendly's with my father in law and really listen to him ramble on about the democrats and Fox news and hold onto every word knowing that those would be the last words that I would hear from his mouth that didn't have to do with death or sickness or pain.
I want to go back to that night when he died and stay there holding on to his last few breaths and Gary's guitar talking in the background and just pitch a tent and wallow in my own sadness for as long as I damn well please.

Prom

Our pediatrician asked Molly two years ago when Molly left traditional schooling whether she would miss the important things, you know, like the prom. Molly and I had the closeness at this time to smile at the absurdity of this remark. Yesterday Molly went to a prom. We spent the day doing those things that moms do with their 16 year old daughters the day of the prom. We did nails and hair and got all ready.
I drove Molly to the boy's house. This is a friend of hers that she had a little relationship with at some point but that she had decided long ago was better as a friendship. I was not sure about the whole thing but I was sure that it was Molly's and this boy's decision to go to the prom together and that my job was to support her and help her along with anything she needed.
The day was really fun, she had a friend over who helped her do her make up and the kids got a real kick out of grown up Molly in her beautiful dress. She looked stunning.
We drove everyone over to the boy's home and he looked cute and his parents were excited and it was good.
Molly went off and the day seemed to go without a hitch.
I feel lucky that I understand that things like proms and weddings and graduations and performances are just time and space just like any other. They mark special occasions but they do not mark defining moments and they certainly are no more important than those laughing fits at the breakfast table or waking up on a Tues next to your best friend of 20 years.
Molly did not have the greatest time. In fact she was home early, she had gotten a ride home from a friend that was there.
I am not sure what exactly happened but I do know that there are two stories to every conflict and so I will not dwell on the content of what happened but more on what was important about this weekend for me personally.
When Molly got home she called me right away. I was out at work in the hospital and I stopped everything to talk to her. She is more important than my work.
We talked about the feelings around the night, the guilt she felt for leaving the boy and the remorse she felt at my having spent a lot of money on the event.
I told her that these were signs of growing up and that now all she could do was learn from the experience and move on.
I told her that it was worth every penny to see her dressed up, to spend the day with her getting ready and to have the opportunity to have this discussion.
I told her it was a pleasure to spend money on her and that I regretted nothing about the day and that I felt sorry that she was hurting but that I knew she would feel better in a few days.
This morning she felt better. She got up and took the train to Salem to meet up with a friend and that was that. There was no big tear fest because I think she had normal expectations around this event.
I am glad for this and proud of Molly.

April in our unschooled house

Unschooling in our house looks like building things with boxes, dressing up in fancy clothes and messing with gender roles, knitting, peeling carrots, playing music together as a family, riding bikes and hearing The Entertainer played by a friend and spending two weeks constantly playing it to master it. Sometimes it means sleeping in, today it meant getting up at 6am to watch another episode of The Brady Bunch which my children are currently hooked on. Today it means making meatballs together, building homes for our fairies, visiting Grammy and going to Lowell Mills.