Thoughts on tomorrow

If there is such a thing as reincarnation I wonder what I may have been doing in previous times. I carry with me a great sense of humor, a morbid sense of melancholy and an aching bit of uncomfortableness in my own skin. What could I have been facing in other times? I think that maybe I may have died in a really horrible way, the way that I fear airplanes and fires and overall general catastrophe. I think that I may have starved and been really poor at one time with all of my anxiety about money and food. I know that I have traveled this road before with these characters in my life. In some of my relationships it is like a glove that I put on and it fits perfect every time, so warm and inviting and easy to slip in and out of. In other relationships it is like those jeans that I ached to get on after I had all of my babies, lying on the bedroom floor, sucking in and pulling at the zipper until I could feel my body beg for relief, such a struggle to feel right, to fit. I wonder am I here to battle it out with certain characters again and again in to infinity and what will break these cycles anyway? The holidays are over and for the first time since I met Gary, Mr. Christmas as we affectionately call him, I have admitted to myself that these are not easy times for me. Phew, thank God that's over is my general feeling this year. I feel like in my late twenties and early thirties I spent so much time looking around me at the way that other people feel and do things that it was hard to really get to what it was that I was feeling, my experience. My experience in the holidays is never really an accurate healthy one. I am usually in some state of anxiety and dismay and guilt because of my anxiety and dismay. I want to get back to the routine. I am a creature of habit. I like to know what to expect. I embrace the new week and the start up of the routine tomorrow. Although I homeschool and do all of these alternative cool things with my children and overall adore them, I can say that parenting has been the most blessed and most challenging thing in my life. It is with relief this year that I come to realize that it is ok to feel overwhelmed by the holidays, by my young children and by all sorts of things. My children are doing so well despite me and all of my shortcomings and we continue to move in our own directions, sometimes together in a music room in a zone all our own and sometimes separate in our own rooms reading or writing or dreaming very separate dreams. It's all the same, it's all good.