Content on Halloween

Taking care of myself has never come easy. And yet not taking care of myself has never been an option either. Some of the beautiful mothers that I know do such an amazing job being self less and devoted in constant measure to their cubs. Some mothers that I know take it all in stride with such grace.
I've asked for such grace.
I've bargained for this blessing late at night as I question some parenting decision that I made or some parenting decision I did not make, could not face.
Other moms I know make this beautiful transition back to their careers and they get on the train and they go, and they don't look back and they are content in their decisions to embark on this mission.
I am looking for content.
I looked for it yesterday in Salem. I looked for it on the train ride in and I looked for it as we all climbed off the train in to the craziness that is Halloween Salem. I know it wasn't the best place to find content but it seems plausible
or it did at the time.
And so let's face it. What was intended to be a fun day trip turned quickly in to a miserable grouchy should have hid under the covers kind of day and now looking back on it all in my pajamas at 6pm the day after, somewhere in going through my pictures, listening to my music, there is was
not really hidden
just kind of lurking underneath age
layers of skin
and some gray hair.
Content.
And I realize as I reflect on arguing with Gary in the cemetery in Salem with people all around us, I realize as I told all of them we are now leaving Salem if you cannot stop blowing raspberries on strange passerbyers and looked on to their scowls and crankiness that that is all part of the equation.
Later Sadie and I trailed behind and talked among the grown adults who stank of alcohol and had face paint dripping from their faces, and Sadie told me that she thought maybe I was still sick and I thought she may be right.
As it turns out she was. I am sick with the flu
and I was a jerk yesterday
because sometimes I am a jerk.
Sadie told me sometimes she is one too and I aplogized for being one and then we laughed, all of us, the whole train ride home.
Content is noticing a thought float through my head such as "maybe I should go back to work full time" or "I want to go to work full time" or "I am never going to be able to cook anything more than a hot dog" or "there is something inherently wrong with me" and watching it float away into the space of humanity.
Noticing all of the crazy ghouls in Salem and all of the desperate people in the Emergency room at night and my small vunerable children and recognizing the lessons that there are in all of these events and that this is how life evolves and moves so beautifully and so brutally real.