routines

Part of me wonders where this change all came from, is it healthy, are we really ok. But then again, if I read through this blog I will find all sorts of circumstances where I wonder this same thing, am I ok? Are we making the right choices and to be honest my wondering doubting voice is very quiet lately. Mostly I am hearing voices of clarity adn voices of laughter and lightness. The kids have been in school for one week and all of the sudden there are other things in the world going on aside from homeschooling. We are an expansive family that are making our way through many different areas of life both together and apart. Yesterday I had forgotten to pack Sadie's spelling book and so Jonah and I drove over to bring it (Jonah is only in Kindergarten on Mon Wed and Fri) and we had the great opportunity to hear and see Nora running wildly through the playground with the other kids in her class laughing and creating and doing all of those things that I worried she wouldn't get to do if I sent her to school.
I know it won't always feel like this. Life is not all packaged neatly like that. Things ebb and flow. Nora has a spelling test on Friday and she and I both wonder about what that will be like. But Sadie is going canoeing with her class on Friday and Jonah is having his art class on Friday and they can't wait.
In the end there is me and Gary. And really in the end there will be just me. I am spending a lot of time alone right now but for some reason not too much in my head. I am reading a great book and running a lot. My house is still a mess, everyone told me that wouldn't change and I am glad it hasn't. It means I am winding down and it's ok.
I miss the comraderie of our homeschooling group. I had hoped Nora would choose to stay home mostly because I wanted to still be part of that group. And the school moms are not going to replace that community. But its ok. Life moves on and I have made some new friendships recently unrelated to children. I am fairly certain that I got a new job that I interviewed for last week working 9-5 as a hospice social worker and that feels absolutely wonderful.

John continues to struggle and I am glad for a quiet house for him. We wait for a new lung and hope for trajedy and feel surreal. I pray for health and stregnth for him every day and am again always reminded because of him what is really important in life. As I breeze in to borrow a bowl in the midst of craziness in my house and run towards the door to get to the next thing, he stops me and I am able to sit and talk slowly and quietly with him. Nothing is more important now.