Gotcha Last

Currently Grampa John's favorite game is "gotcha last." Over the last two years this game has evolved and changed to mean different things. The rules started out simple enough. I got you last meant I got you last and there was a cat and mouse kind of chase thing and a lot of slamming doors. Over the last couple of years "gotcha last" has come to be played in a more figurative way. You don't necessarily have to get up and chase someone to get someone last. You could give them a glance or carry a yardstick and poke them on their way out the door. Gotcha Last. John always gets us last. I don't know when it happened that way but it has come to be understood that John wins this game. Everytime.

And my children, even my little children who want to win all sorts of other games, understand this rule. They always let John get them last.

Lately "Gotcha Last" has meant another way to say good bye. The kids will be piling in to the car for school or an activity and John's window will open and out will come those words "Gotcha Last!" See ya later, in a while, till next time.

As we wait for this lung I think about that farewell. I remember when he could get up to chase us and I wonder when did that happen that he has lost that ability. Now on most days I find him under blankets on the couch sleeping or fading. Last week I walked in on him roughly carving a peice of wood. He looked up at me almost ashamed or embarrassed as if I would wonder about his new activity. I can't believe how strong he is. I can't believe I think I ever have problems when I can't find my earrings or my pants don't fit right.

routines

Part of me wonders where this change all came from, is it healthy, are we really ok. But then again, if I read through this blog I will find all sorts of circumstances where I wonder this same thing, am I ok? Are we making the right choices and to be honest my wondering doubting voice is very quiet lately. Mostly I am hearing voices of clarity adn voices of laughter and lightness. The kids have been in school for one week and all of the sudden there are other things in the world going on aside from homeschooling. We are an expansive family that are making our way through many different areas of life both together and apart. Yesterday I had forgotten to pack Sadie's spelling book and so Jonah and I drove over to bring it (Jonah is only in Kindergarten on Mon Wed and Fri) and we had the great opportunity to hear and see Nora running wildly through the playground with the other kids in her class laughing and creating and doing all of those things that I worried she wouldn't get to do if I sent her to school.
I know it won't always feel like this. Life is not all packaged neatly like that. Things ebb and flow. Nora has a spelling test on Friday and she and I both wonder about what that will be like. But Sadie is going canoeing with her class on Friday and Jonah is having his art class on Friday and they can't wait.
In the end there is me and Gary. And really in the end there will be just me. I am spending a lot of time alone right now but for some reason not too much in my head. I am reading a great book and running a lot. My house is still a mess, everyone told me that wouldn't change and I am glad it hasn't. It means I am winding down and it's ok.
I miss the comraderie of our homeschooling group. I had hoped Nora would choose to stay home mostly because I wanted to still be part of that group. And the school moms are not going to replace that community. But its ok. Life moves on and I have made some new friendships recently unrelated to children. I am fairly certain that I got a new job that I interviewed for last week working 9-5 as a hospice social worker and that feels absolutely wonderful.

John continues to struggle and I am glad for a quiet house for him. We wait for a new lung and hope for trajedy and feel surreal. I pray for health and stregnth for him every day and am again always reminded because of him what is really important in life. As I breeze in to borrow a bowl in the midst of craziness in my house and run towards the door to get to the next thing, he stops me and I am able to sit and talk slowly and quietly with him. Nothing is more important now.

We are Family

Family

Changes

It has been so long since I wrote in this blog, I am not sure how to begin. Everything is changing. Things are beginning and things are ending and life is moving so swiftly. After much hemming and hawing, last spring we decided to embark on a new journey for Sadie. School.
I couldn't believe that we were even entertaining this idea. I dreamed, thought and hoped that we would be that family that had our unschooling kids hanging around with us, taking the train in to Harvard Extension and trying all sorts of neat and interesting things with us as adolescents and in to adulthood. But Sadie wanted to try school.
I ached about it. I had nightmares about it. I talked about it. I prayed about it. A lot. And then one morning in April or May I awoke and it was ok. There was a deep calm inside of me that permeated throughout my body and mind and I knew that school or no school was not the only thing that identified our family and who we are. We chose a very small Christian school to try out first and Sadie spent the day there. She loved it. She came home with lots to report and with the story of one of her classmates who at the closing prayers prayed that Sadie would make a good decision and come to their school. I loved thinking about a child praying openly.
My best friend Ashley (who someday I will write a big long blog entry about) is Orthodox Jewish and works at an Orthodox Jewish day school and she talks about this affectionately. That although there will be things that bother me about the religiousness of the school, the fact remains that we are raising our children in an Episcopal church and we regularly pray before meals and we hold the hope and belief in our home that our Grampa is in heaven. It's ok. I knew it when I woke up that day.
What is literally shocking is that over the course of the summer, because we had opened that door, all sorts of other doors proceeded to open in front of my eyes. Jonah started to talk about going to school and we figured out ways to creatively cut costs so that he could enter Kindergarten with Sadie next year. And now we are in the final stages of working out Nora going too.
All my children are thrilled for this adventure and there is a calm and ease in our home right now that has not been there in this magnitude for a long time.
I am so glad that we homeschooled. I am so glad that we kept our little kiddos close and that we will continue to do so. It has made all the difference. I am grateful that I was able to hear my children and let them go when they needed to be flying free a little.
Right now Jonah is still in his PJs playing the drums with Gary downstairs in the basement. Nora is brushing her hair in front of me and asking me questions. And Sadie has buried herself in a dictionary learning how to spell better. Molly is in Vermont having her own adventures in college and I am here marveling at this life unfolding before me.

Awakening.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light


In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

And it comes in black and it comes in white

And I'm frightened by those who don't see it



When nothing is old, deserved or expected

And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected

If you're loved by someone you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it.



There was a dream

One day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt

So I scream till I die and don't ask for those bad thoughts to find me out



There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light

In the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right

And it flies by day and it flies by night

And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

If you forget me

If You Forget Me

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I want you to know one thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine. Pablo Neruda

Wolf Moon

Last night I had a dream that I was in my blue and gray nightgown that I wore every night as a child. I was running out of my house and it was one of those dreams where you seem like an adult and you think like an adult but you look just like you did as a child or at least the way  you perceive yourself to look as a child which is often quite different than what you actually looked like.
In the dream I am running  and it is summer just like every dream that I have from that address in East Hartford Ct. It seems like the blizzard of 78 never happened there and I actually never did sled down the hill on Barbonsel Rd because all of my memories exist in that time warp of warm childhood summer days and nights.
And I am running with hair flying all around me and little child legs that can run forever and the reservior where I am not supposed to go alone lay at my back and the park where I spent every day that Mother Nature would allow sprawled out before lay in front of me, clear as a bell amidst darkness.
In the dream I am going to free everybody. I am going to run through the park and across the baseball field and I am going to arrive at Stevens Elementary School and I am going to throw the doors open and let everyone out, no more papers, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. I am going to watch them as they all run home or to the park or through the field or to the foreboding reservoir to dive in after a shallow fish.
I am going to run to the elderly nursing home and open all the doors there and I am going to start pushing people out and watch as the elderly take to the streets in all of their limitations and crankiness or wild fervor. And  I am thinking about my own Grandmother locked away sitting across from me at a dinner table a few years ago when she was 93 years old telling me never to let anyone tell me what to do as my father told her what to do.
It must have been the full wolf moon but in my dream I am still in my childhood state but I am thinking of my current job where I lock people up and put them away. I categorize their problems and limit their stories. As a profession I can take away freedom. And in my child state I run to let them out.
It must have been the wolf moon because when I swung open the dream like mental hospital door I was standing there with my adult face staring back at me and my adult badge flapping in the wind and my professional outfit on. I looked at me, chubby cheeked child faced me, and me looked back and we both looked down to my feet where I had my running sneakers on

and I began to run.

Dancing through life

This year Sadie learned how to use her body in amazing fantastic ways. Driving to Cambridge every Wednesday, talking and talking and talking some more. Walking through the city, taking in everything there is to see and then entering a dance studio with professional dancers and amateurs all coming together to move their majestic bodies to beautiful music. Today I went and witnessed yet again, the wonder of freedom from school and the coming of age of my nine year old. 

playing with fire

Some fantastic mothers and I have decided to do some experimenting with our inquisitive children around science and the periodic table. It was Sadie's idea and then my idea and now a group of five families and all of our collective ideas. 

Sounds like a good idea, right?

So why am I driving home tonight questioning everything from the scientific method to the dire state of the world to my inability to create enough of something (not sure what) with my children.

Because that is the way my crazy brain works.

So I chatted with my mom. She is, after all, the best mom in my life anyhow and we had a nice cry and then a few laughs and then that was that.

I drove Sadie to the gym for swim team. She didn't really want to go and I told her she didn't have to, in fact we could take a break for a while.

She wanted to go and when she was done was happy for it.

I dragged my butt up to the treadmill who is normally a good friend of mine but today failed me miserably. It's ok, I won't take it personally, another day perhaps.

I went downstairs instead and proceeded to call Ashley and have a good long talk. 

I love Ashley.

Someday I will write a nice long blog entry just devoted to Ashley, my biggest fan, my greatest friend.

On the ride home Sadie was happy, content, talking to me about the time she had seen something on TV where they blew different things up and she wondered how that worked.

I did too.

Sorry, I don't have that answer for you. Ask me anything about literature, maybe drug addiction, child abuse or writing, I am your " go to " girl.

Don't ask me those science questions or you lose me in lack of knowledge and lack of interest. Yawn.

My mother had made stew and we ate it up with glee, all six of us, Nora, Jonah, Grampa John, Grammy, Sadie and me and then just like that there it was, the big EXPLOSION we had been hoping for right in the oven. Huge gusts of flame enveloped the oven and as I ran to get the phone John shut the oven and the fire went out, unsupported by oxygen any longer.

And then we talked about it.

Why did it happen (something about the sugar and juices on the bottom of the oven from pumpkin bread) ? 

Will it happen again? 

Why didn't the fire dept come in our town even though I had called 911 and even though I spoke with someone what if I had been lying? 

What if I needed help? 

Why do they call firemen firemen anyhow? 

Aren't there fire girls too?

Do they get paid as much?

When did they start becoming firefighters?

If I say fireman instead of firefighter will they put me in jail?

How old do you have to be to go to jail?

And on and on it went.

Thank you fire in my kitchen, inquisitive children, caring mother, good friend and an unburnt kitchen.

Bananagrams and what I learned this week

This week I hemmed and hawed away at all of the things that my children are not getting by not going to school. Mental note to self; in the monthes of January and February you (me) pace the floors, toss and turn at night and write lists all around the house about the "S" word and all of our lacks and flaws. So this year is no different, phew.

I found out that we were missing out on the actual physical structure of the school building when I walked Sadie in for her first day of Basketball practice. The girls were all excited to see Sadie. She is a novelty because she does not attend school with these girls and so they are not sick of her and squealed in girlish delight at the sight of her.

I was too busy noticing all of the posters and pretty artwork.

We should be doing more art work, I thought.

We should  have pretty posters, I thought.

"Sadie, Sadie" They squealed.

Practice was fun and we drove home.

It was quiet in my home and I thought about all the friends.

Shouldn't she have more friends around her all the time??

Of course it is 6 pm and most kids are doing homework and Nora is knee deep in clay and Jonah is building something and Sadie is happy as a child on Christmas to curl up with her disabled Aunt to watch The Incredible Hulk.

Homework.

Gary told me this story about a student that he teaches who is so tired from all of his school work and always complaining about staying up late to do it.

He thought, how terrible.

I thought, we should be doing more.

What about all the spelling and the writing and the work that they do?

What if we are wrong?

Can Sadie spell anything??

Today we played a new game called Bananagrams.

It is a pretty fun game where you have to build words fast in a crossword.

Sadie's first word was SEGRAGATE. She was off by one letter, pretty good.

My first word was BRASS and so it went for two hours we played this game over and over again.

I guess Sadie knows how to spell.

In the doctor's office I looked around at all the families.

One woman is quizzing her kid on some science thing.

We should be doing more science.

So I open this really cool book I got this week from my Dad on basically a little bit of everything and start reading off the "important" things, facts, yawn.

Sadie turns away and starts asking me about vacinations and why that sign says we should all get them and we end up in this long discussion about the CDC and the history of vaccinations and somehow Pasteur got in there and by the time our names were called we had come full circle, confused and yet understanding a little bit more.

While I pined over notation and reading music, this week Sadie learned how to play two new Beatles songs on the piano and while I wondered over history we finished the American Girl series and discussed the suffrage movement so much that I had a dream about Susan B Anthony.

My children teach me so much and if I would only step out of their way a bit I may actually teach them a few things too.

Mostly by example.

A smile, a gentle pat and a loving presence.

Songs and Sweaters

For Christmas I knitted Gary this sweater. It took me four months to make it and I put all the love and positive healing energy I could muster in to it. I brought it with me to friend's houses and to church and to children's events and playdates. I pulled it out in the grocery store, in line at the bank and during some of his shows. He never knew.
As I knitted this for him I thought about him. I thought about the time we met and the child that I was. I thought about the time that he thought to kiss me and the time I thought to throw him out of our apartment. I don't remember why.
I thought about the night he asked me to marry him and how we welcomed all of these children in to our lives, together. I thought about crazy angry fighting and quiet times and laughter. I thought about growing up and how I did this with him. It was a joy to make him this sweater and I loved the look on his face when he put it on.
Rewind to two days before Christmas and I am in the Kohl's parking lot picking up some last minute things, a few pajamas for the kids and a beautiful nightgown for my mother and I am sitting in the car listening to "Baby I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney. I love that song. Gary loves McCartney. He says he wrote better songs than Lennon and I don't know if I would go that far but I do love his ability to write an amazing love song. I am also a huge sucker for the love story of Linda and Paul McCartney.
Anyhow, there I am taking in the last few notes of that lovely song and thinking about Gary and what a wonderful song it is and the female DJ comes on to tell all her listeners matter of factly that if she ever met a man who wrote a beautiful love song like that for her she would drop everything and marry him, no questions asked.
Gary has written songs like that for me.
In fact most of the songs from the last 15 years of his life have been about me, or us or our children.
On Christmas eve he told me to sit and listen to another song that he had written for me and I remembered what that woman had said and I took pause. I dropped everything and married him again.
Life is really that simple sometimes.