Anniversary

Eight years ago tomorrow I married Gary. It was a snowy day and we got married at 3:30pm which meant that as I was walking down the aisle with my weepy father I could see through the window that part of a winter day where the far away sun is creeping slowly down and the night is here somewhere among us. I remember Gary's face as he saw me approaching and how much joy I felt in my heart and my tummy. I remember the guests that we had with us, how we had started out planning a 300 person wedding and quickly condensed it to 50 of our closest friends. I remember their eyes staring at me in my beautiful dress.
I think about some of those people, those closest friends and how between the ages of 27 and 35 friendships can shift and change. Several of the couples at that wedding are since divorced and one of our dearest friends that looked on has since taken his own life. He is like a silent ghost in my reflection, there with me, holding my hand, but somehow far far away. I wish he was still here with us.
I remember that my mother in law and I struggled so much over how everything would be and how everything would look. I hated that then and I struggled with her in such a different way that I do now. Now I have one son, and I understand the love that she had for Gary and I am sure the worry that things maybe wouldn't be good enough for him. I remember I gave her many things to be in charge of partly because she wanted them and partly because frankly, I didn't care. There were few things I cared about that day. I loved picking out my pretty dress and feeling like a Princess for the day. I loved the church we were married in and I loved the people at our wedding. Mostly I just wanted to be there hanging out with Gary. That is all I have really ever wanted to do since I was 21 years old. It's where I am happiest. Sadie or Nora or maybe it was Molly, I can't remember right now, was asking me the other day how I knew that Gary was the right one for me and how come it wasn't maybe a boyfriend I had had before him or something like that. I told her (it was Molly, my memory is now coming to me) that when I met Gary it was like coming home, it was like trying on a pair of pants that fit perfectly or singing in perfect harmony, you just knew it deep in your soul.
When I think about my children and this journey that we are on together and I wonder about their futures. Will they go to college? Will they find a career they love? Will they be happy? Mostly though I wish them love. I wish them the kind of marriage I have today, one that is perfectly imperfect, ever evolving with my best friend. When I met Gary I knew nothing of those other things but I discovered all of those things with him by my side.