Here is another unsettling day for me. Today was your standard run of the mill Tues. I work in the middle school most of the day and then come home at 2 and do the sports stuff with the kids. It was just like any other day but for some reason as it moved along there was an overcast sky moving in my direction and as the sun approached and as the wind actually really did die down this afternoon I felt Eeyore like gloom and doom. Where am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going to?
Molly has been reading this book and it embodies teenage angst and despair and I found myself reading passages from it today and relating. Why am I here doing this?
So I did all the right things, ate a great dinner, talked with family, read books to the girls, hugged Jonah a lot and then I went to the gym and ran for a long time and then I knew I was really back there, in that place, because not even the running, the passage of time with feet against pavement, the sweating, the pouring my soul out, not even that made me feel better. In fact I felt worse.
So now I am here trying to figure it all out.
I had a few bad words with John today. He was really bugging me and I was cranky to begin with. I think I called him judgmental or something.
Sadie was goofing with him before dinner and he had to have her stop because he was winded and I can't believe the things I take for granted, air in my lungs, the ability to see clearly. I'm so fixated on my weekend away and getting my hair done and John can't breathe. I can't believe it, really.
And the look on Sadie's face when he told her to stop made me want to die. It was like we had all forgotten and then had to remember, like the time Tom Flynn, this great love of mine in my early twenties broke up with me and I had to remember again every time I woke up in the morning.