Life is what happens to you when your busy making other plans

I had a plan that we would read a lot of books this afternoon. I went to the gym and while I was on the treadmill I mapped out the different books I would like to read with the kids and thought of all the fun and educational opportunities to be had. I had a fantastic run and when I came home felt elated and happy. Sadie was wrapping up some math stuff that Gary was working on with her and Nora and Jonah were building these really cool elaborate castles with blocks and legos and "guys" and the Easter bunny soaps that my mother in law had bought for them. Gary went off to work and I offered them book reading time which normally they love. Nora jumped at the opportunity but Sadie had other plans. She slipped in to my mother's house and before I knew it they were up in the room with us where she taught Sadie how to do Chinese jumprope, which by the way came quickly back to me even though I cant even remember the last time I Chinese jump roped.
Anyhow, as we got back to reading Sadie was distracted by her new skill and tried to get my mom to do it some more with her but my mom was tired and so offered her a lesson at how to play hearts.
So I guess we are not going to read books.
Sandra Dodd always says "everything counts". This is one of those times. Jonah has disappeared off to his room, I think he is making me a surprise in his diaper and I really need to take a shower anyway.
I'm so blessed to live next to my mother. I really am!
Here is a picture of my mom high fiving Molly at Christmas.

Thirteen things I love about Spring

Thirteen Things about Spring that I love 1.Longer days! 2. Going outside with a big bulky jacket and feeling too warm. 3. Bagging up all that winter stuff, jackets, boots, mittens ect and putting them in the basement for at least 6 months! 4. All the new space I have because of #3. 5. How easy it is to get kids out the door without all of #3. 6. Planting our seedlings and getting ready for our garden. 7. Running outside rather than on a treadmill. 8. The sound of the spring birds that have come home. 9. Walks in the woods. 10. The sun on my face. 11. Flowers. 12. Soccer. 13. BASEBALL!

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I'm driving in the car today with my three daughters. Molly who is 15 has agreed to get Sadie (7) and Nora (5) safely to their swim lessons at the Y while I drive one town over to attend a monthly meeting for my job. We are listening to music chosen by Molly from her Ipod. Her name is Kimya Dawson and she writes songs with lyrics like this:
i took the polaroid down in my room
i'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend
it's not as if i don't like you
it just makes me sad whenever i see it

cause i like to be gone most of the time
and you like to be home most of the time
if i stay in one place i lose my mind
i'm a pretty impossible lady to be with

chorus:

joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride
and i never met a toby that i didn't like
scotty liked all the books that i recommended
and even if he didn't, i wouldn't be offended

i had a dream that i had to drive to madison
to deliver a painting for some silly reason
i took a wrong turn and ended up michigan
paul baribeau took me to the giant tire swing
gave me a push and he started singing
i sang along while i was swinging
the sound of our voices made us forget everything
that had ever hurt our feelings

(chorus)
now i'm home for less than 24 hours
that's hardly time to take a shower,
hug my family and take your picture off the wall
check my email, write a song and make a few phone calls
before it's time to leave again
i got one hand on the steering wheel one waving out the window
if i'm a spinster for the rest of my life
my yarns will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

We are all just lost in the songs and smiling and I am thinking about this teenager that is mine and how a year ago she would put on her Ipod and not share with us and how just in one year by pulling her out of the schools and getting all on her side and seeing her and talking to her. Here she is sharing a piece of herself with us and we are glad to have her. We are glad she is here with us today and yesterday we were glad when she came down to the FFC rehearsal just to spend time with us. I am glad to know her and she is glad to know me.
I dropped them off in front of the Y and watched as those little ones tagged behind Molly, all Ipod and big red sunglasses smiling and laughing together. My younger daughters think the world of her and just look at her in dreamy young girl ways.
I had a nice meeting with my colleagues at my office and it was nice to share ideas and be together and then I went back in to my mommy world and picked them all up and there they were waiting for me in front hair plastered to their faces from the swim.
Sadie asked about my meeting and Molly talked about meetings that she had been at for her work and Sadie said she couldn't wait to have a meeting someday and it was agreed that someday Sadie will have a meeting.
Nora chewed on trail mix all the way home digging for the candy and Sadie dreamed of meetings. Molly and I listened to NPR and talked about Obama and boys and meetings and sunglasses, eating too much carbs and exercising and fashion and boys and make up and apartments and friends and TV.......
all in the fifteen minute ride home.

Questions from Nora

I realize lately that out of all of my children Nora is the most "unschooled" sheerly by default. We tend to focus on Molly because she is a first and a teen, Sadie because she is somewhat of a first in many ways and Jonah because of his vision and his babyness. Meanwhile Nora jumps through life like Tigger entertaining herself for long stretches of time and recently asking the most amazing questions, such as:
1. "Dad, you know how at night time it gets dark and in the day time it gets light again? How does that happen?"
2. In church yesterday "Mom, you know God? Does he ever die?" and then later after I tried to explain about the soul and spirit of God ....... "So if he is in a fire, he still doesn't die?"
3. Today while reading about Egyptians to Sadie "So Mommy, how does the Sphinx stay like that for so many years?"
4. At breakfast yesterday out of the blue "You know how it gets cloudy and then it rains but not always because some times it is cloudy but doesn't rain? How come?"
5. At bedtime..... "Have you ever met God? Have I met God? I think I remember God."
I think she does too.
She spends hours now looking at books and for the child that I was sure would be the child that didn't read forever I think she is starting to decode up there in her room at night.
She also tells the most amazing stories now for hours she just spews all of this amazing imaginative thoughts in to an amazing story.
She makes me believe in unschooling in a more profound way than anything else right now.

Sadie has been having night terrors for the last four months. They have gotten increasingly more intense and more frequent. I worried a little the first time it happened and then a little more and now I am ordering books and talking to people about it.
The first time it happened I recall thinking that my husband and I had watched the movie "The Exorcist" too many times. Sadie stumbled in to our bedroom not awake but not asleep either screaming and crying and shaking and cold. This is not good, I thought. Gary sat up pie eyed not knowing what to do.
She hadn't recalled the event the next day and she didn't have one for some time after that one incident. We forgot about it.
It happened again, this time her bed was shaking with her in it while she cried and screamed. Ok, serious Exorcist problem now.
Gary and I stayed up all night long looking at her and convincing each other that we were whacked.
For the last couple of weeks it has become a two to three times a week kind of occurance. Most of the time she ends up in our room, sometimes she wanders around the house confused and scared.
What does this all mean?
My good friend Patricia told me that she is probably reacted to John's illness. That could be, it had never dawned on me that those two things could be related (great therapist I am).
Last night when she woke up she was inconsolable for about twenty minutes and then settled down. The funniest part is that she never wants to sleep with us after these events. She likes to crawl in with us in the middle of the night unrelated to the night terrors but when it is a night terror event once she is alert she wants to go back to sleep as if this event and these feelings are so buried in her they are hard to recall during waking time.
I talked with her today about it. We went into her closet and hid away from everyone and sat and talked. I realized how guarded she can be, how much she wants to keep her feelings at bay. This worries me. She always says she is fine,even when I know she is not fine.
She told me she remembers that sometimes she is dreaming about death and that someone is killing her. I thought about that a lot today. I thought about the fact that for many minutes every other day my seven year old gets killed in her head and there is nothing I can do but sit here and reassure her and talk with her.
I have had night terrors too. I guess they run in families. I guess that Sadie will inherit some of my anxieties and worry. I remember waking up in such agony and fear that I had to have Gary turn on all the lights and talk with me until the early morning.
We decided we would not read "A Wrinkle in Time" before bed anymore and we would drink milk and tell funny stories at bedtime instead.

another fun filled overnight

Ok, so I made the mistake again. I just can't seem to learn, can I? I worked two overnights in a row again, made a ton of money and am now suffering the consequences
or am I?
I have been meditating a lot lately. Like a real lot for someone with a western bent to most things and a mostly practical slant on life.
I have been thinking really positive thoughts and practicing that kind of self talk I always tell my clients about.
Hey, this stuff works.
Yesterday, I took Sadie to a class on Mechanical Engineering. What could have been a disaster was something so beautiful and special.
We all planned to go to this retirement breakfast for John on Friday morning and then Thurs night I remembered I had signed Sadie up for this thing for three hours right during the breakfast. What could have been me completely losing my mind and feeling like a failure and a seeing no solutions anywhere realized that this would all work out as things always do. It's so nice to remember that! I took Sadie after working all night (remember those two overnights in a row) and she enjoyed her windmill creation while I took a three hour walk in the woods.
Gary took the little kids and had a wonderful time with John and my mom and everyone was happy. I didn't have to do everything as I really never do in life and there were solutions to the problem there waiting for me.
Today I am going to get my hair done and I have asked Gary to take the kids to get their hair cut. This is normally something that I would do and enjoy doing and controlling. He is thrilled to do this with him. I get a few hours to myself and they get the time together.
Snow falling again outside, could be the last snow, you never know.

1. Do you like blue cheese? YES

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? NO

3. Do you own a gun? NO

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? I have no idea what sonic is but I am guessing tonic in which case I add lemon.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor's appts? Sometimes, depends on the doctor.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I am cooking them at this moment because I have cramps and don't feel like cooking any real food. Personally, they are not a favorite, unless it is on the beach, then they are ok by me.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Hands down, It's a Wonderful Life

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Dark roast coffee in a HUGE mug

9. Can you do push ups?Yes, why actually I can do quite a few:)

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I hate jewelry, a total waste of money. I guess my wedding ring, but more important is the inscription on my wedding ring which reads "More than the ocean and more than the stars"

11. Favorite hobby? Exercise

12. Do you have A.D.D.? Crap diagnosis, no and no to 99% of people diagnoses with this.

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? Quick to anger, perfectionist

14. Middle name? Ann
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? My hotdogs are going to overcook, can hotdogs overcook, I have cramps.

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Not one single thing!

17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coffee, seltzer and wine on occasion

18. Current worry? My stepfathers health

19. Other worries? I will worry too much

20. Current hate right now? Trying to not hate, I guess I hate hate

21. Favorite place to be? Right here, right now.

22. Where would you like to go? Ireland, Italy, Africa

23. Name four people who will complete this? I chose to do this on my unvisited blog so probably just me:)

24. Do you own slippers? NO
25. What shirt are you wearing? A Cape Cod Sweatshirt
26. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Sure

27. Can you whistle? NO
28. Favorite color? Yellow
29. Would you be a pirate? Uh, Yah!

30. What songs do you sing in the shower? Anything by Cat Stevens right now

31. Favorite girl's name? Oh come on, I can't do that! Molly Sadie or Eleanor

32. Favorite boy's name? Jonah

33. What's in your pocket right now? As always, a guitar pick
34. Last thing that made you laugh? Jonah feeding me goldfish and singing along during Sadies choir rehearsal

35. Best bed sheets as a child? Flannel

36. Worst injury you've ever had? Not really an injury but 26 hours of back labor with mr Jonah
37. Do you love where you live? ABSOLUTELY

38. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two too many
39. Who is your loudest friend? Julie

40. How many dogs do you have? None
41. Does someone have a crush on you? Yeah, Gary still has a crush on me

42. What is your favorite book(s)? Harry Potter 7

43. What is your favorite candy? Peanut M&Ms

44. Favorite Sports Team? RED SOX

45. What song do you want played at your funeral? Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens
46. What were you doing at 12 a.m.? Something I shouldn't have been doing because now I am tired

47. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Another beautiful day

Cat + Bach

Sadie and I went to a benefit concert today at 3pm at one of the local schools. We saw Peter Serkin who is featured in this YouTube video with a cat. I figured that Sadie and I would enjoy this most out of out house although I could also see Gary really getting in to this kind of thing too. We did not have tickets and true to form were a little disorganized and last minute about the whole thing. I have not really been feeling that good and I had just not wanted to purchase tickets with the chance of not going. Also I was not sure whether this was something that would be a little too over Sadie’s head.

Gary took the kids to church and to the park which gave me about four hours to myself. I cleaned the entire house, including behind places that I have not seen since we first moved in and then around 1 decided that we would go and hit the shower. We got there early because we did not have tickets and sat and read our book (we are currently toward the end of a Wrinkle in Time) and played hangman. Sadie was the only kid I saw there and I think she felt proud to be there. She was all dressed up and looked beautiful. We talked about the different composers that were going to be featured and the different time periods that each lived during.

Then the lights went dim and he walked out with his page turner (there must be a fancier name for that guy but I don’t know it) and Sadie was all ears and eyes.

She did wonderfully for seven years old. I was lost in the music; it was absolutely beautiful and divine.

Sadie followed along in the different pieces and knew where we were. She fidgeted around a little and once in a while I felt bad for those who had chosen a seat near us but I realize now that they were blessed with this curious child near them experiencing this for the first time.

At the intermission we got up to stretch our legs and walk around. We ran in to some people from our church who looked on approvingly at us, me and Sadie, so culturedJ

We went to sit by the window and the sun beamed in at us smiling at us, beckoning little Sadie.

I asked her if she had enjoyed the first half and she said yes. She talked about some specific things she liked, “that man’s gifts” “the slow sweet songs”. I asked her whether she would like to go now, during the intermission and she looked surprised that I asked. She asked me what I thought and I told her that although I loved seeing the pianist and would be happy to stay I could also go home now having enjoyed an hour out with her.

I told her that she had done a wonderful job paying attention for seven years old and it was a sunny day out……….

She thought for a moment and told me that she had loved it and would we come back maybe when she was 13?

I told her of course.

I think that Sadie really appreciated being taken to the fancy thing today and hearing the pianist and being “grown up”.

I think Sadie appreciated being given choices in the end and not being forced to be something she is not yet and most of all getting home in time to play wildly outside with Zack and Nora.

Making dinner, can smell it downstairs cooking away. The kids are watching some episode of Dora that even Jonah likes. We spent the day out all day long. We went to the FFC sectional rehearsal which was fun and then we went to Ipswich River Wildlife Sanctuary where the girls ran around with all of their friends and fed the birds and Jonah and I had an opportunity to be alone. Jonah sat on my lap and cuddled in with me and we looked at all of the birds and talked about them. He said things like "that one pretty Mama." and I did things like kiss him on his cute nose and think about the last two years with him.
I remember when they told me that I was going to have a boy in the ultrasound and I cried and cried. I know that I was really supposed to want t a healthy baby and all of that stuff but I really wanted a boy. And I knew I would name him Jonah and I knew that it would be a different kind of thing than the girls.
It has been. What I didn't know is that I would give birth to a boy so similar to my husband in so many ways. What I didn't know is that he would take to music so easily. What I didn't know is that he would be visually impaired and would need me in a different kind of way than the girls do.
One of my favorite quotes is in the sound "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon:
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

Peaceful, like heaven on a Sunday

Today was everything I wanted it to be. A good friend of mine who also home schools her daughter is always touting the wonders of sleep and rest. I have never been a good sleeper and frankly I have been one to criticize those who need too much sleep (namely my husband). Recently however I have been trying to work with my two year old son around some of his uh well, not so nice behaviors and it struck me the other day that maybe the little guy just isn't getting enough sleep. Three days ago I laid him down at 6pm and he was glad to go down. That night due to the unusual circumstances of us having nothing to do in the morning he slept until 10. Ah, 16 blissful hours of sleep and that day things seemed to be a little better for him. So in the last couple of nights we have been trying to get him settled somewhere between 6 and 7 and to strive to just let him sleep until he willingly wakes us. This has made a huge difference. Hmm, if this makes a difference for him, well maybe it will make a difference for me too:) So today we all slept in (for me that means getting up at 8am) and went to church in a leisurely fashion and had a very relaxed pace. We even took the infamous Sunday drive through the back shore despite the outrageous gas prices. When Gary got home we read books and watched an entire Paul McCartney concert and at one point I fell asleep and slept so soundly that when I woke up I thought it was morning for sure. Sleep is good. Quiet is bliss. Right now Jonah is with Gary who is singing him Cat Stevens songs to help him fall asleep. Nora is behind me reading an Arthur book (her version of reading doesn't really involve decoding words yet). Sadie is with my mom sewing and Molly is reading in her room where she has been pretty much all day. We have promised the girls Sunday night "Simpsons." Sometime I will write about my family, grief and the Simpsons because in our home they are all strangely connected but for right now I am going to continue on with my book curled up next to Nora.