My husband plays the guitar:)
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
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6. Learning about singers, their lives, their passions and their songs 7. Sectional rehearsals or general rehearsals where all 60 of us try to cram ourselves in Jane and Chris's house, it's warm, it's cozy and at times it's crazy. 8. Watching my children use a microphone and stand in front of an audience with such confidence and grace. 9. Surprising myself with my own unknown confidence in this endeavor. 10. Parties, food, talk. 11. The grounding peace I get from the way the sessions are organized around other things in our life. 12. Singing "Child of Mine" with my husband and then recording it together for a CD. 13. Watching my children play "ghosts in the graveyard" at Jane's house on a warm fall night until late at night and knowing that all the other kids on the street were tucked away for school. |
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008
morning has broken
These are some pictures from last week
s trip to the MOS and Monday's trip to the Mass Audubon in Sharon where we went to check out maple sugar trees. Both trips were super cool and fun for all. Sadie, Nora and Jonah were able to find the Queen Bee at the MOS and Jonah found many other things with that magnifying glass. I wonder what he sees with a magnifying glass on top of his glasses.
Last night we went to FFC rehearsal after spending the day at the Audubon thing and at my inlaws. I think we were all a little tired and maybe some of us are even still a little sick, I'm not sure and you know things were moving along pretty well. The FFC is always such a grounding place for me and it has been a sanctuary in the middle of this surreal sad time with John.
Towards the end Nora had a complete melt down and it was like I didn't even know where it came from at all. I was so taken aback because I am simply not used to her doing things like this anymore and it was in a really public place right smack dab next to our director who was trying to give directions to all of us adults singing. Finally I realized there was going to be no reasoning with her amide flailing arms and screaming mouth, I was going to have to pick her up. The problem was that she has grown substantially since the last episode like this that she had so picking her up was really difficult and when Jonah saw me attempting to do it he immediately rushing to Nora's aid and started kicking me so I had to contend with him too.
Gary was an hour late to practice so I had this burning within me at the same time, not a good mix.
When I finally did get them outside of rehearsal it became clear to me that we were going to have to leave. Nora was still screaming and I was just done.
Last night it felt like some sort of bottom for me. A bottom with parenting in a perfect way all the time, the bottom of grieving and feeling completely out of control with everything going on with John, the bottom of frustrations I can't pinpoint and moods that ebb and flow.
I went to bed immediately after getting home and woke up with morning and low and behold it was a whole new day. It was early, about 5:30 and the house was quiet as a chapel. I was cold so I wrapped myself in my warm robe and went downstairs to meditate.
As I was sitting quietly, I was starting to think of the lists and then I kept coming back to this idea of rebirth. My mom and John always wake up super early and at that time of the morning when there is no other noise I can hear them in their living room usually watching the early morning news and talking about sports or politics.
It was at this time that I had this epiphany. How blessed they are in all of this. Gary could get killed in a car accident on the way home from work and here we are busting our butts, running a muck, trying to make ends meet and have a full and wonderful life at every second. There John and my mom are sitting and enjoying every second that they have together. They know that time is limited, they know that death is a possibility and they appreciate everything in each other. My mother loves to cook for him and clean his clothes in a way that I do not with Gary. She knows that someday soon that could all be gone and she has found joy here.
I don't know. This thought started my day and I had a great day today. Nobody had meltdowns and if they had, I wouldn't have cared what anyone thought today anyhow.
We swam at the Y and walked in what Sadie called the last snow of the season and you never know, in late February she could be right.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Last night Gary played and so it was just me and the kids. As a musician's wife I have spent the better part of 13 years ebbing and flowing with this musical thing. Sometimes I have really resented the evenings apart and other times I have really looked forward to having some time to myself.
Last night was definitely one of the latter moments. I laid Jonah down at 6:30 because he was toast and veering on the possibility of losing his precious life in his pursuit to be 2 and autonomous which on most days we can all get around as a family here but not yesterday.
One of the things that has been most difficult for me to deal with as a homeschooling mom is this reality that we have a two year old boy in our estrogen filled home. My daughters are not able to create a whole heck of a lot without the threat of it getting broken or torn apart. This is our reality and this is a huge thorn at my side.
Last night Molly went out to see a movie with a friend and while I was cleaning the downstairs the girls spent two hours quietly building these great works of architecture around my house with the various toys that we have that they can do things like this with. I built a fire and we sat by it and read " A Wrinkle in Time" in blankets. Sadie drew some drawings and Nora did things like ask me what precocious means. It was such a nice time.
After the girls went to bed I was able to sit by the fire and have a long conversation with a good friend of mine which is a rare occasion lately (aside from Ashley who stalks me everyday, to my delight).
I woke up this morning before everyone one else and had the whole quiet house all to myself. Gary and Nora lay next to each other quiet as mice cuddling, one big dark man and one tiny fair girl, so different and yet so similar. Gary has the perfect technique for cuddling with Noni, who is a tiny little peanut. He wraps her first in the blankets and then he pulls her to him to spoon. I've never been able to master this technique but they have their own special language all their own.
Sadie was sprawled in bed and Jonah was sleeping soundly. I was able to make my coffee and read my book. The other night we watched the Jane Austin book club and so being the moderate that I am (insert irony here) I went to the library and got the collection of all of Jane Austin's works and started Sense and Sensibility yesterday. I kind of wish I had someone to read it with. Molly has expressed some interest and in church I fantasized about starting a book group. Maybe I will.
Today I prayed really hard for John. Every week I go to church and think that if I am vigilant enough or good enough I will some how have the powers inside of me to make his lungs healthy.
We bought a car today and when we test rode it on Friday all the kids came outside to kick the tires and look it over. Gary and I have no clue about cars so we went riding in it and were really just making guess work about the value of it. John was always the go to person about things like this. As we were getting out of the car after our test run John came out of the house to look at the car. I felt this sudden wave of sadness and relief. It is the same kind of feeling that I get when I go to visit my in laws and they watch the kids for an hour while Gary and I go for a walk. There was a time recently when Gary and I used to use them for child care for dates. We can no longer do this and it makes me sad, to watch them get old. It is nice to see John out lifting the hood and my father in law sitting with Sadie talking about sports.
Today we are all together. We are going to our Godson' third birthday party. We will be with our best friends and all of us will have someone to play with.
Last night was definitely one of the latter moments. I laid Jonah down at 6:30 because he was toast and veering on the possibility of losing his precious life in his pursuit to be 2 and autonomous which on most days we can all get around as a family here but not yesterday.
One of the things that has been most difficult for me to deal with as a homeschooling mom is this reality that we have a two year old boy in our estrogen filled home. My daughters are not able to create a whole heck of a lot without the threat of it getting broken or torn apart. This is our reality and this is a huge thorn at my side.
Last night Molly went out to see a movie with a friend and while I was cleaning the downstairs the girls spent two hours quietly building these great works of architecture around my house with the various toys that we have that they can do things like this with. I built a fire and we sat by it and read " A Wrinkle in Time" in blankets. Sadie drew some drawings and Nora did things like ask me what precocious means. It was such a nice time.
After the girls went to bed I was able to sit by the fire and have a long conversation with a good friend of mine which is a rare occasion lately (aside from Ashley who stalks me everyday, to my delight).
I woke up this morning before everyone one else and had the whole quiet house all to myself. Gary and Nora lay next to each other quiet as mice cuddling, one big dark man and one tiny fair girl, so different and yet so similar. Gary has the perfect technique for cuddling with Noni, who is a tiny little peanut. He wraps her first in the blankets and then he pulls her to him to spoon. I've never been able to master this technique but they have their own special language all their own.
Sadie was sprawled in bed and Jonah was sleeping soundly. I was able to make my coffee and read my book. The other night we watched the Jane Austin book club and so being the moderate that I am (insert irony here) I went to the library and got the collection of all of Jane Austin's works and started Sense and Sensibility yesterday. I kind of wish I had someone to read it with. Molly has expressed some interest and in church I fantasized about starting a book group. Maybe I will.
Today I prayed really hard for John. Every week I go to church and think that if I am vigilant enough or good enough I will some how have the powers inside of me to make his lungs healthy.
We bought a car today and when we test rode it on Friday all the kids came outside to kick the tires and look it over. Gary and I have no clue about cars so we went riding in it and were really just making guess work about the value of it. John was always the go to person about things like this. As we were getting out of the car after our test run John came out of the house to look at the car. I felt this sudden wave of sadness and relief. It is the same kind of feeling that I get when I go to visit my in laws and they watch the kids for an hour while Gary and I go for a walk. There was a time recently when Gary and I used to use them for child care for dates. We can no longer do this and it makes me sad, to watch them get old. It is nice to see John out lifting the hood and my father in law sitting with Sadie talking about sports.
Today we are all together. We are going to our Godson' third birthday party. We will be with our best friends and all of us will have someone to play with.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Ah, that feeling of the first snow of the year. I remember it really well this year. It came early and it came in with a bang and I thought, "Hooray, we are going to have a real New England winter!" Today it is another snow day and frankly, well I am sick to death of all this crappy snow.
I know, I know, not very positive thinking of me. I have a plan, don't worry. I am not planning to bitch all day long, just a little bit here. I have told Sadie that we are going to go for a walk and we are, just she and I which I am really looking forward to.
Just a little bitching before hand.
I want the sun back.
I want to go to the beach.
I want to go running outside again.
I want to feel the energy I feel in the spring.
Oh and why we are at it, I want to lose the 15 lbs I gained this winter.
Now.
I am hoping the walk helps.
Sadie's a good little hiker. It will help to just be with her.
Gary took the night off and is home with us. That will be nice too.
Alright, enough bitching.
I know, I know, not very positive thinking of me. I have a plan, don't worry. I am not planning to bitch all day long, just a little bit here. I have told Sadie that we are going to go for a walk and we are, just she and I which I am really looking forward to.
Just a little bitching before hand.
I want the sun back.
I want to go to the beach.
I want to go running outside again.
I want to feel the energy I feel in the spring.
Oh and why we are at it, I want to lose the 15 lbs I gained this winter.
Now.
I am hoping the walk helps.
Sadie's a good little hiker. It will help to just be with her.
Gary took the night off and is home with us. That will be nice too.
Alright, enough bitching.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
teenagers
In a purely coincidental act of fate, in my work I have been blessed to be working with many teenagers, all of whom I adore, in all of their interesting teenagerness. I also have one of those teenagers living in my home, she is fifteen, beautiful, quirky, artsy and well, a teenager.
Sometimes in my homeschooling world I feel like I need to apologize for her in all of her teenagerness. No, she is not a sheltered child, she does not prioritize her life around her family or wear long skirts and go to church on a weekly basis. Occasionally I can talk her in to coming if there is the promise of food afterwards and sometimes she does come just for the hell of it (no pun intended here).
In our homeschooling journey she has been the kid who has gone to school for most of her school years. She was pulled out this year for reasons I will not bore you with now. In our homeschooling world people are somewhat reluctant to be around this child.
This is so funny to me. I am wondering how this will be different for our other children or if it will be different at all. We are not raising children that may want to hang out with us all the time. I was so happy to pick Molly up from the train station yesterday after she had spent the day at Harvard Square with friends. She looked so happy and confident and fun getting off of the train and making her way in to the car. I was glad to know that she can navigate the trains around here and that she prides herself on her job and her college classes. She likes to cut her hair and dye it fun colors and listen to music and paint all over her walls.
She likes boys and likes to be with boys. She swears out in the world. She does not swear around us but I am fairly certain she does out in the world. She is probably going to experiment with things that make me cringe and fear for her wellbeing.
However, I really trust her. I really like her and I get really aggravated when people say not nice things about her. Especially adults.
Anyhow, the reason I am rambling is because this weekend I got myself a MP3 player and I have been playing with it and using Napster and just generally downloading like a billion songs which I think is going to be free and if its not I'm really screwed. It said free for a week though:)
Anyhow, I have been downloading all sorts of music from my teenage years and Gary pointed out to me last night that the reason I like working with all these teenagers so much is that alas, I am a teenager.
I think he may be right.
I like to hang out with boys (I've just narrowed my choices a little) I swear, I rebel against authority like all the time and I like to listen to the Killers really loudly in my MP3 player.
One time when I had an IPOd (before I lost it last year (yeah, I lose things too) I was running on the treadmill next to this really nice man and I was listening to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and he says to me, "wow, that is interesting music." I smiled politely and told him that my teenager had put that on my Ipod.
I lie sometimes too.
I think the most redeeming thing about my teenager is that I believe that she has her core values in check. She will help the little old lady cross the road, she knows unconditional regard, she will stand up and tell someone they are full of it if they are. She is stunningly beautiful and she knows it. She is a riot and she knows it. And she is slightly trouble and I think she knows that too.
I guess I am too, sometimes, I've just honed my skills in this area.
Sometimes in my homeschooling world I feel like I need to apologize for her in all of her teenagerness. No, she is not a sheltered child, she does not prioritize her life around her family or wear long skirts and go to church on a weekly basis. Occasionally I can talk her in to coming if there is the promise of food afterwards and sometimes she does come just for the hell of it (no pun intended here).
In our homeschooling journey she has been the kid who has gone to school for most of her school years. She was pulled out this year for reasons I will not bore you with now. In our homeschooling world people are somewhat reluctant to be around this child.
This is so funny to me. I am wondering how this will be different for our other children or if it will be different at all. We are not raising children that may want to hang out with us all the time. I was so happy to pick Molly up from the train station yesterday after she had spent the day at Harvard Square with friends. She looked so happy and confident and fun getting off of the train and making her way in to the car. I was glad to know that she can navigate the trains around here and that she prides herself on her job and her college classes. She likes to cut her hair and dye it fun colors and listen to music and paint all over her walls.
She likes boys and likes to be with boys. She swears out in the world. She does not swear around us but I am fairly certain she does out in the world. She is probably going to experiment with things that make me cringe and fear for her wellbeing.
However, I really trust her. I really like her and I get really aggravated when people say not nice things about her. Especially adults.
Anyhow, the reason I am rambling is because this weekend I got myself a MP3 player and I have been playing with it and using Napster and just generally downloading like a billion songs which I think is going to be free and if its not I'm really screwed. It said free for a week though:)
Anyhow, I have been downloading all sorts of music from my teenage years and Gary pointed out to me last night that the reason I like working with all these teenagers so much is that alas, I am a teenager.
I think he may be right.
I like to hang out with boys (I've just narrowed my choices a little) I swear, I rebel against authority like all the time and I like to listen to the Killers really loudly in my MP3 player.
One time when I had an IPOd (before I lost it last year (yeah, I lose things too) I was running on the treadmill next to this really nice man and I was listening to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and he says to me, "wow, that is interesting music." I smiled politely and told him that my teenager had put that on my Ipod.
I lie sometimes too.
I think the most redeeming thing about my teenager is that I believe that she has her core values in check. She will help the little old lady cross the road, she knows unconditional regard, she will stand up and tell someone they are full of it if they are. She is stunningly beautiful and she knows it. She is a riot and she knows it. And she is slightly trouble and I think she knows that too.
I guess I am too, sometimes, I've just honed my skills in this area.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Me and Gary
Taken from http://throwingmarshmallows.homeschooljournal.net/2008/02/15/446/
1. What is his name? Gary Joseph
2. How long have you been together? 13 years (married 8, together before that for 5)
3. How long did you date? We dated for like a year and then moved in together
4. How old is he? He turned 40 this August 11th
5. Who eats more? He does (much more!)
6. Who said I love you first? He told me he loved me first in a bookstore in Wellesley that I used to work at. I was on a fifteen minute break and it was snowing out and so we went for a little walk. It was the magical kind of snow that happens before Christmas and when we came back in as I was walking back toward the children's section he grabbed on to me and told me he loved me. He was wearing a blue wool hat and I was wearing brown corduroys.
7. Who’s Taller? He is 5'11" and I am 5' 6"
8. Who can sing better? This is an ongoing debate lately but since he is a professional singer and guitar player I guess I'll say him.
9. Who is smarter? He is a musical genius and I am fairly intelligent in many areas.
10. Who does the laundry? We both do.
11. Who pays the bills? I do.
12. Who sleeps on the right side? I do.
13. Who mows the lawn? We both do.
14. Who cooks dinner? I hate to cook so he usually does but he is at work a lot of dinners so we are spoiled and live next to my mother who, yes at the age of 35 still at least twice a week cooks dinner. God bless her soul.
15. Who drives? Both of us although he is much better with getting around than I am.
16. Who is more stubborn? We are both incredibly stubborn.
17. Who kissed who first? He kissed me first on March 13th 1995 as I was walking out of his apartment. We were only friends then and he would usually hug me goodbye. This time he laid one on me and I swear (really I do) I saw stars.
18. Who asked who out first? He said to me a few times that we should hang out. We kind of evolved together. We were friends for many years before we were "together".
19. Who proposed? Gary on Christmas eve 1999. I was in my pajamas and he asked me while we were dancing to "Annie's Song" by John Denver. He cried so hard I thought maybe he didn't want to.
20. Who has more friends? It used to be him but has evolved in to me. I think this happens a lot.
21. Who is more sensitive? I am.
22. Who has more siblings? I do. He is an only child and I have two siblings.
23. Who wears the pants? I do. I wish I didn't and I could lie and say I don't but I do.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Thirteen things I love
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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Sending an SOS
On Tuesdays Gary has the kids until 2pm when I get home from the school that I see kids at for counseling. On this day when I met Gary in the usual place off the high way half way my children were so excited to see me and so happy. I love that especially after leaving a school where there is just not enough of that stuff going on.
On the way to swim team we talked in the car, Sadie and I, while Nora and Jonah sang along to our favorite Pete Seeger CD. Sadie told me how she had earned money over at Grandma's today and how she had cut out various different words from the newspaper because she likes to participate in this schooly newspaper thing that Gloucester does where everyday they tell a story or give you some sort of educational thing to do. She loves this thing. It gets us a free paper so it's a win win if you know what I mean. She told me all about the new words that she learned and then got a funny look on her face remembering something else.
"Mom, who has one leg and two arms?"
"Who's that Sadie?"
"Ilene" ..........
"get it mom, I Lean, get it?"
Then she proceeded to tell me about ten more of these jokes laughing hysterically in between each one. It dawned on me two jokes in to it that I knew where all this was coming from. Grandpa John is the king of jokes and Sadie had been over there cleaning for my mom for some of the day.
I loved this.
I loved the idea of her over there hanging out with John yucking it up to funny corny jokes in his store of humor telling me about the shows he had been watching that day such as Leave it to Beaver and sharing stories of his childhood with her.
Sometimes John talks about going to see a therapist lately and I think that this would be a great idea.
But today I thought about John in there with Sadie reliving some of his past with her and the value of that togetherness in story. The fact that I am sure her carefree ways remind him of little John hunting through the forest for unsuspecting woodland animals and digging for dinosaur bones.
On the ride home from swimming we heard that Sting song that refers to sending an SOS to someone, I forget the details now and Sadie started telling me all that she knows about SOS including historical facts about this code and well, frankly, things I did not have any knowledge of so I said, "Sadie, where did you learn that?" and she thought for a minute and said, "Oh I don't know, how I learn everything, somewhere I read it or heard it or something."
I love that.
Jonah is on my lap now and we are listening to the Juno soundtrack. It is his favorite. Tomorrow I venture back to the gym to begin running again. I have taken almost a year off from running, something I used to love to do. I injured myself last year and have not returned. I feel this urge lately and am excited to go back.
On the way to swim team we talked in the car, Sadie and I, while Nora and Jonah sang along to our favorite Pete Seeger CD. Sadie told me how she had earned money over at Grandma's today and how she had cut out various different words from the newspaper because she likes to participate in this schooly newspaper thing that Gloucester does where everyday they tell a story or give you some sort of educational thing to do. She loves this thing. It gets us a free paper so it's a win win if you know what I mean. She told me all about the new words that she learned and then got a funny look on her face remembering something else.
"Mom, who has one leg and two arms?"
"Who's that Sadie?"
"Ilene" ..........
"get it mom, I Lean, get it?"
Then she proceeded to tell me about ten more of these jokes laughing hysterically in between each one. It dawned on me two jokes in to it that I knew where all this was coming from. Grandpa John is the king of jokes and Sadie had been over there cleaning for my mom for some of the day.
I loved this.
I loved the idea of her over there hanging out with John yucking it up to funny corny jokes in his store of humor telling me about the shows he had been watching that day such as Leave it to Beaver and sharing stories of his childhood with her.
Sometimes John talks about going to see a therapist lately and I think that this would be a great idea.
But today I thought about John in there with Sadie reliving some of his past with her and the value of that togetherness in story. The fact that I am sure her carefree ways remind him of little John hunting through the forest for unsuspecting woodland animals and digging for dinosaur bones.
On the ride home from swimming we heard that Sting song that refers to sending an SOS to someone, I forget the details now and Sadie started telling me all that she knows about SOS including historical facts about this code and well, frankly, things I did not have any knowledge of so I said, "Sadie, where did you learn that?" and she thought for a minute and said, "Oh I don't know, how I learn everything, somewhere I read it or heard it or something."
I love that.
Jonah is on my lap now and we are listening to the Juno soundtrack. It is his favorite. Tomorrow I venture back to the gym to begin running again. I have taken almost a year off from running, something I used to love to do. I injured myself last year and have not returned. I feel this urge lately and am excited to go back.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Daddy Daughter Dance
Here are pictures from the big dance tonight that Gary took Sadie and Nora to. Also included is Jonah's own private dance:)
Bear in the Blue House
Jonah and I are sick. Jonah goes to play a game or run through the house at his usual speed and intent and turns to me with a look of dread. "I sick, mama.........I sick." He had forgotten again. I am in this haze, have been for a couple of days, not really dying sick but whenever I start to play with my trucks or run around the house I remember. I sick.
Gary took the girls to swimming today and Jonah and I had every intention of cleaning the house. Really we did. But somehow we ended up on the floor of the playroom just holding each other. Sure it probably looked as if I was holding him but I really think he may have been holding me too.
We came upstairs and cuddled under the covers and read stories together. He rubbed my hair like a kitty and meowed at me and let me sleep for a few minutes. That was nice.
We ended up downstairs on the couch in a heap of blankets and he wanted to watch Baby Einstein. I have been watching too much Baby Einstein lately and I don't think it is making him or I more of a genius, if you know what I mean. I talked him in to letting me put on a Bear in the Big Blue House DVD which I had forgotten that we own.
Sadie and Nora came home and immediately cuddled in to watch it too. It used to be Sadie's favorite. When Sadie was three and four we watched it all the time. As the show was ending and bear was singing his goodbye song I got all weepy. Now at first I thought, maybe it's that time of the month or God forbid maybe I'm pregnant. It was neither of those reasons though. It was this realization that we don't watch those little kid shows anymore. We are so focused on our older two children that we just have not gotten around to watching these shows or really doing a lot of the little kid things that Sadie and Molly indulged in all the time. It made me sad for those days when our lives revolved around diaper changes and naps. Now Jonah is almost out of diapers and Nora is 5.
Most days I am very excited for the prospect of older children.
But today Jonah and I are sick and it was nice to revolve our day around naps and diaper changes.
Gary took the girls to swimming today and Jonah and I had every intention of cleaning the house. Really we did. But somehow we ended up on the floor of the playroom just holding each other. Sure it probably looked as if I was holding him but I really think he may have been holding me too.
We came upstairs and cuddled under the covers and read stories together. He rubbed my hair like a kitty and meowed at me and let me sleep for a few minutes. That was nice.
We ended up downstairs on the couch in a heap of blankets and he wanted to watch Baby Einstein. I have been watching too much Baby Einstein lately and I don't think it is making him or I more of a genius, if you know what I mean. I talked him in to letting me put on a Bear in the Big Blue House DVD which I had forgotten that we own.
Sadie and Nora came home and immediately cuddled in to watch it too. It used to be Sadie's favorite. When Sadie was three and four we watched it all the time. As the show was ending and bear was singing his goodbye song I got all weepy. Now at first I thought, maybe it's that time of the month or God forbid maybe I'm pregnant. It was neither of those reasons though. It was this realization that we don't watch those little kid shows anymore. We are so focused on our older two children that we just have not gotten around to watching these shows or really doing a lot of the little kid things that Sadie and Molly indulged in all the time. It made me sad for those days when our lives revolved around diaper changes and naps. Now Jonah is almost out of diapers and Nora is 5.
Most days I am very excited for the prospect of older children.
But today Jonah and I are sick and it was nice to revolve our day around naps and diaper changes.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Valentines
Today we made Valentines after we got home from singing rehearsal this morning. Jonah did not have to have surgery as expected today due to his hacking cough and cold. It was questionable whether I should have brought his down to rehearsal but we did and I think it was a good decision. Anyhow, we just made a big fire and Jonah fell asleep at 3pm and is still sleeping now at 6:30pm. I think he may sleep through the night the poor guy. He really doesn't feel too good. It is snowy here and cloudy. I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. It was a nice day to make Valentines.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Thirteen things my 2 yr old son said this week......
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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Monday, February 4, 2008
At one point when my grandmother was battling and losing her fight with breast cancer she was taking a small plane from Farmington to Albequeque NM several times a week to receive treatment. Her treatment consisted of basically burning her with radiation that was so painful she was in a constant state of agony.
Several years ago, about ten years after my granmother's death my mother told me this story about my grandmother that made me so suddenly anguished and sad, it felt out of no where. She told me that on one of those trips she had missed her plane in Albequeque and there was not going to be another flying out until the next day. My grandmother apparently just had had enough that day. The woman who was one of the strongest women in my life. The one that raised seven children almost single handedly while my grandfather delivered every baby in Farmingotn for thirty years. The one that slapped me right across the face when I mouthed off to my mother at age 16 and told me I should never talk to her daughter like that again (and I never did). She was sitting on a bench in the middle of this little airport crying. She had had enough.
I think about this today as John and my mom traveled in to Mass General Hospital where they went through an entire day of evaluations and testing to determine whether John will be a good candidate for a lung transplant. They told him he needs to lose 40 pounds, that he needed to be in the best health possible, ironically to have this life saving lung transplant.
My mother told me that her initial reaction was to get all take charge about it, somehow make John get it together, control him, determine his life, his fate.
I agreed, this sounds like a good plan, how many times have I raided Gary's stash of cookies, I mean really! Someone has to be in control here.
It was this story that brought her and I back around. My grandmother never went to Albequeque because she wanted to. My grandfather, my mom, me..... we wanted her to go, we wanted her to live.
I really want John to lose this weight, to get a transplant, to have more time.
I really want Gary to lose some weight and get his cholesterol down.
I really want to stop feeling so horrible and sad, it really sucks.
Me, the one who has always been the most hopeful.
Not so hopeful anymore, not so happy.
I sent the girls with a friend to sing tonight. I don't even want to sing. Jonah is sick and it is such a good excuse to stay in and sit by the fire.
Maybe next week I'll want to sing again.
Maybe John will lose 40 lbs and Gary will discover the joy in health.
Here is a picture of John and I in 2004 watching the Red Sox kick Yankee butt the game that determined we were in the playoffs. I'll never forget that game, the best I have been to at Fenway, the people were great, the game itself was awesome and flashing on the scoreboard at the end was a simple "We win!" I love that.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Sleep deprived ramblings
This weekend was hectic, there's an understatement. One of the things our family is not and sometimes I wish it were is a family where only one person works. This seems easier to me especially at times like this weekend. In retrospect it was totally the fault of Gary and I and the fact that we simply did not communicate enough about our schedules and consult the calender and planner. Damn those calender and planners, must they rule our lives. Apparently they must because when they do not then things like this weekend occur.
So here's how it happened:
I worked my regular half day on Tues and long day on Wed, saw 18 clients in that time frame and hunkered in on Wed night looking forward to the weekend. That is what I usually do on Wed, look forward to the weekend. I always work the Thurs on call overnight from midnight until 8am and occasionally work the overnight on Friday too, although I am trying to do this less as it is really taxing on me.
So as I hunkered in on Wed talking with Gary about the upcoming weekend I notice on the almighty calender than in fact this weekend is one where I am working both Thurs and Fri. As I am growling about this Gary tells me that he decided to do a double bill on Sat in Vt which would mean him being gone from Sat morning at 9 until well, it turned out until 6am on Sunday.
Wow, this sucks.
So, Friday after sleeping for four hours I am a nut case. Totally exhausted with no patience at all for anyone including my children, you know those nice people that reside with me and spend time with me like all day.
Friday night I am out all night and so yesterday I was with the kids all day on two hours of sleep.
So, this is the cool part, this is how I handled it:
I made a ridiculous amount of money over the course of those days, most of which we really needed but not all. So I took us all out of the house where we went nuts at AC Moore and bought all sorts of cool things to make valentines with. Then we went out to Friendly s which is like the most unhealthy you can get and I secretly despise it but this is where they wanted to go and oh what they hell, so did I deep down in my belly:)
We came home and made cards and hung out. We watched Toy Story. I love Toy Story. We laughed and before I knew it we were hunkering down for bed.
Today we all got up for Church. I gave them a bath and read a funny story to them all. I sat in church while my kids went to their various classes and prayed.
I would say I am not a religious homeschooler. I am really close to God in various different forms, sometimes holding a child, sometimes meditating, sometimes driving in the car or holding a friend in grief. Today I was close to God and for the first time in a long time I was in sadness over John's illness and Colleen's autism and I was still close to God, I wasn't so angry anymore. I don't know why.
The kids and I finished the book The Summer of the Swans by Betsy Byars yesterday in the car in the middle of our driving around. If you haven't read it, you should. It is a magical book about a young girl coming of age in a complicated family. I like the complicated family part the most. I also liked the way it made me feel to listen to this book in the car for the last couple of days with my children. As a child of 7 or 8 I had read this book probably a hundred times. It made me feel young, hearing it this way again so many years later. It made me feel young and full of wonder.
I am not going to work on Fridays anymore. It is not worth the money to feel that tired. And truth be told I enjoy my professional identity and would not love being home all the time. Gary does such a wonderful job being with our children and in our family it is important that we have these roles.
We are going to a super bowl party soon and I am looking forward to finally spending some time with my whole family. I am also looking forward to watching the Pats kick some Giant butt:)
So here's how it happened:
I worked my regular half day on Tues and long day on Wed, saw 18 clients in that time frame and hunkered in on Wed night looking forward to the weekend. That is what I usually do on Wed, look forward to the weekend. I always work the Thurs on call overnight from midnight until 8am and occasionally work the overnight on Friday too, although I am trying to do this less as it is really taxing on me.
So as I hunkered in on Wed talking with Gary about the upcoming weekend I notice on the almighty calender than in fact this weekend is one where I am working both Thurs and Fri. As I am growling about this Gary tells me that he decided to do a double bill on Sat in Vt which would mean him being gone from Sat morning at 9 until well, it turned out until 6am on Sunday.
Wow, this sucks.
So, Friday after sleeping for four hours I am a nut case. Totally exhausted with no patience at all for anyone including my children, you know those nice people that reside with me and spend time with me like all day.
Friday night I am out all night and so yesterday I was with the kids all day on two hours of sleep.
So, this is the cool part, this is how I handled it:
I made a ridiculous amount of money over the course of those days, most of which we really needed but not all. So I took us all out of the house where we went nuts at AC Moore and bought all sorts of cool things to make valentines with. Then we went out to Friendly s which is like the most unhealthy you can get and I secretly despise it but this is where they wanted to go and oh what they hell, so did I deep down in my belly:)
We came home and made cards and hung out. We watched Toy Story. I love Toy Story. We laughed and before I knew it we were hunkering down for bed.
Today we all got up for Church. I gave them a bath and read a funny story to them all. I sat in church while my kids went to their various classes and prayed.
I would say I am not a religious homeschooler. I am really close to God in various different forms, sometimes holding a child, sometimes meditating, sometimes driving in the car or holding a friend in grief. Today I was close to God and for the first time in a long time I was in sadness over John's illness and Colleen's autism and I was still close to God, I wasn't so angry anymore. I don't know why.
The kids and I finished the book The Summer of the Swans by Betsy Byars yesterday in the car in the middle of our driving around. If you haven't read it, you should. It is a magical book about a young girl coming of age in a complicated family. I like the complicated family part the most. I also liked the way it made me feel to listen to this book in the car for the last couple of days with my children. As a child of 7 or 8 I had read this book probably a hundred times. It made me feel young, hearing it this way again so many years later. It made me feel young and full of wonder.
I am not going to work on Fridays anymore. It is not worth the money to feel that tired. And truth be told I enjoy my professional identity and would not love being home all the time. Gary does such a wonderful job being with our children and in our family it is important that we have these roles.
We are going to a super bowl party soon and I am looking forward to finally spending some time with my whole family. I am also looking forward to watching the Pats kick some Giant butt:)
Friday, February 1, 2008
unexpected swim
Sadie swims down the shore line
feet kicking
eyes watching
I am looking her way
and off in some other place
feet in the sand.
Sadie wanted to swim today
although we had so many other things to do
and here we are
everything at home
just waiting for attention
while Sadie plays.
She is a girl
looks just like me
strong legs and sure footing
making an argument for the cause of freedom.
Age 7
sun in her freckles
you can tell she has been here before.
Later we will talk about the day
as she eats a sweet apple in bed
The juice running down her sun soaked face
curled up reading our fourth or fifth book
together.
At night she will crawl in to our bed
we are warm
she is right to be here
my dreams suddenly taken to a happier place
a free time.
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