At one point when my grandmother was battling and losing her fight with breast cancer she was taking a small plane from Farmington to Albequeque NM several times a week to receive treatment. Her treatment consisted of basically burning her with radiation that was so painful she was in a constant state of agony.
Several years ago, about ten years after my granmother's death my mother told me this story about my grandmother that made me so suddenly anguished and sad, it felt out of no where. She told me that on one of those trips she had missed her plane in Albequeque and there was not going to be another flying out until the next day. My grandmother apparently just had had enough that day. The woman who was one of the strongest women in my life. The one that raised seven children almost single handedly while my grandfather delivered every baby in Farmingotn for thirty years. The one that slapped me right across the face when I mouthed off to my mother at age 16 and told me I should never talk to her daughter like that again (and I never did). She was sitting on a bench in the middle of this little airport crying. She had had enough.
I think about this today as John and my mom traveled in to Mass General Hospital where they went through an entire day of evaluations and testing to determine whether John will be a good candidate for a lung transplant. They told him he needs to lose 40 pounds, that he needed to be in the best health possible, ironically to have this life saving lung transplant.
My mother told me that her initial reaction was to get all take charge about it, somehow make John get it together, control him, determine his life, his fate.
I agreed, this sounds like a good plan, how many times have I raided Gary's stash of cookies, I mean really! Someone has to be in control here.
It was this story that brought her and I back around. My grandmother never went to Albequeque because she wanted to. My grandfather, my mom, me..... we wanted her to go, we wanted her to live.
I really want John to lose this weight, to get a transplant, to have more time.
I really want Gary to lose some weight and get his cholesterol down.
I really want to stop feeling so horrible and sad, it really sucks.
Me, the one who has always been the most hopeful.
Not so hopeful anymore, not so happy.

I sent the girls with a friend to sing tonight. I don't even want to sing. Jonah is sick and it is such a good excuse to stay in and sit by the fire.
Maybe next week I'll want to sing again.
Maybe John will lose 40 lbs and Gary will discover the joy in health.
Here is a picture of John and I in 2004 watching the Red Sox kick Yankee butt the game that determined we were in the playoffs. I'll never forget that game, the best I have been to at Fenway, the people were great, the game itself was awesome and flashing on the scoreboard at the end was a simple "We win!" I love that.