morning has broken

These are some pictures from last week
s trip to the MOS and Monday's trip to the Mass Audubon in Sharon where we went to check out maple sugar trees. Both trips were super cool and fun for all. Sadie, Nora and Jonah were able to find the Queen Bee at the MOS and Jonah found many other things with that magnifying glass. I wonder what he sees with a magnifying glass on top of his glasses.
Last night we went to FFC rehearsal after spending the day at the Audubon thing and at my inlaws. I think we were all a little tired and maybe some of us are even still a little sick, I'm not sure and you know things were moving along pretty well. The FFC is always such a grounding place for me and it has been a sanctuary in the middle of this surreal sad time with John.
Towards the end Nora had a complete melt down and it was like I didn't even know where it came from at all. I was so taken aback because I am simply not used to her doing things like this anymore and it was in a really public place right smack dab next to our director who was trying to give directions to all of us adults singing. Finally I realized there was going to be no reasoning with her amide flailing arms and screaming mouth, I was going to have to pick her up. The problem was that she has grown substantially since the last episode like this that she had so picking her up was really difficult and when Jonah saw me attempting to do it he immediately rushing to Nora's aid and started kicking me so I had to contend with him too.
Gary was an hour late to practice so I had this burning within me at the same time, not a good mix.
When I finally did get them outside of rehearsal it became clear to me that we were going to have to leave. Nora was still screaming and I was just done.
Last night it felt like some sort of bottom for me. A bottom with parenting in a perfect way all the time, the bottom of grieving and feeling completely out of control with everything going on with John, the bottom of frustrations I can't pinpoint and moods that ebb and flow.
I went to bed immediately after getting home and woke up with morning and low and behold it was a whole new day. It was early, about 5:30 and the house was quiet as a chapel. I was cold so I wrapped myself in my warm robe and went downstairs to meditate.
As I was sitting quietly, I was starting to think of the lists and then I kept coming back to this idea of rebirth. My mom and John always wake up super early and at that time of the morning when there is no other noise I can hear them in their living room usually watching the early morning news and talking about sports or politics.
It was at this time that I had this epiphany. How blessed they are in all of this. Gary could get killed in a car accident on the way home from work and here we are busting our butts, running a muck, trying to make ends meet and have a full and wonderful life at every second. There John and my mom are sitting and enjoying every second that they have together. They know that time is limited, they know that death is a possibility and they appreciate everything in each other. My mother loves to cook for him and clean his clothes in a way that I do not with Gary. She knows that someday soon that could all be gone and she has found joy here.
I don't know. This thought started my day and I had a great day today. Nobody had meltdowns and if they had, I wouldn't have cared what anyone thought today anyhow.
We swam at the Y and walked in what Sadie called the last snow of the season and you never know, in late February she could be right.